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  • He refuses to see his gambling as a problem

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    Tethersend
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2018 12:45 pm

    He refuses to see his gambling as a problem

    Sun Jan 03, 2021 3:01 pm

    Hi Everyone,

    I do t know what to do or where to turn to, but I need to get this situation out in the open somehow.

    Four years ago my husband of 17 years had a big win on the pokies, and it was the start of a devesating addiction. This was a year after he lost his dad and I think I it all stems
    From unprocessed grief and shame we couldn’t see his dad before he passed (he lived overseas and we just couldn’t afford to get there in time).

    Over the years he has gambled away every cent we have, even the grocery money and the rent. We make great money and should have tonnes of savings, there is no need to ‘win’ money as we make enough but he just gambles it all away time after time.

    We have three kids together and they are constantly missing out because he spend every ‘spare’ cent at the pub or casino.

    When I confront him he gets very aggressive and defensive and tells he he works hard and deserves it.

    my salary is more than his, I pay ALL the bills and manage our finances (because he can’t be trusted) and yet he feels like him having $500 a week to gamble is ok while I don’t spend a cent on myself and am Made to feel bad about spending money on our kids (they don’t deserve it, it’s just junk, you reward them for nothing etc). I feel I also deserve some of our salary as a reward and I save it to Do things with but ends up being spent on gambling or bills that he hasn’t paid, or unexpected things. I have a great budget and he has no acces to our banking anymore but is so aggressive it scares me so I end up giving him what we have, or he sneaks into my phone and takes it when I am
    Sleeping or in the shower etc.

    We are in our forties and have NO savings. I have $200 hidden for an emergency, and we earn over $150k a year but can’t afford holidays or nice things because he gambled it all away (I earn $100k, he earns $50k).

    I just can’t take the associated shame
    And depression and anger and blame. When he loses everything he blames me for being ‘bad
    Luck’ and ‘negative’. Our friends think we are ‘poor’ because we can’t afford to do fun stuff with them like Go to the movies etc and it’s humiliating that I earn so much and can’t even get my hair done or take the kids for ice creams because he spends All Our money on himself .

    Writing this out makes me realize how pathetic I am to allow myself to be treated this way, and I want to leave but have absolutely no options at this point. He is passive aggressive and so depressed I am scared he will hurt himself if we leave.

    I don’t have any close friends or family I can talk to about this. I am so ashamed I have allowed our kids to see me being treated this way. They are normal kids but he just gets so mad when they are playing or noisy or messy and the screams that it’s my fault for letting them walk over me all the time, but doesn’t see that this is the behavior he is teaching them when he bullies me for our money or when he just walks out whenever he feels like it, or when he saltays on the couch and doesn’t help
    Me or interact or engage with our family.

    I don’t know what to do. I love him
    And would love for our family To get back to when we were happy together but be refuses to get any help Or Admit he has a problem.

    I think leaving him is the only way to make him face this head on but I am scared to take that step and make this ‘public’ to our friends and family.

    Does anyone have some kind helpful advice? I’m a smart woman with a good job but am being broken into a fragment of myself with this behavior, So please be kind.
    0 x
    Damaged_Armour
    Member
    Posts: 46
    Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2020 3:17 pm

    Re: He refuses to see his gambling as a problem

    Sun Jan 03, 2021 7:47 pm

    Hi Tethersend
    I can connect with everything that you've written there being a pokie gambler for 25 years, and seeing what it has done to people around me. The advantage I had starting so long ago is by the time I got into a relationship with my now partner I accepted it was a problem and was constantly tackling it ie getting myself excluded from venues various times over the years as the habit would fluctuate in severity.
    Yes you are correct, the biggest problem is your husband can't see it's a problem, or isn't willing to admit it. I had just turned 18 mid 90's, walked into the club with $40 and a few hours later walked out with $800, I was only earning $200 a week as an apprentice, so I was screwed from there, I guess you can take that as a positive, although I have much more control now, I was blowing my wage for many years.
    So the question now looms what is it going to take to open his eyes? Only you know the real answer, and what ever it is, needs to be a metaphoric slap in the face. By the end of it, just so you know, if he does come to his sences, he will hand control of his earnings to you, if he really wants to keep his family together, because it's something that never goes away for some people, I have that on good authority too.
    Also I'm not 100% sure about this, but if you know where he gambles you may be able to go and get him excluded, as his wife.
    Good on you for hanging in there, sound like you're a strong woman.
    1 x
    There's No such thing as "Just Once"

    You want to stop gambling? Ok great, put your boxing gloves on.
    the_penguin
    Moderator
    Posts: 45
    Joined: Sat Nov 14, 2020 12:16 pm

    Re: He refuses to see his gambling as a problem

    Tue Jan 05, 2021 4:01 pm

    Hi @Tethersend

    I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through... it was honestly hard to read as the weight of your words are so heavy.

    You need as much support as you can to make the right decision for you and your family. There is a gambling problem for sure, but there is also a domestic violence issue.
    I would really like it if you contacted the Gambler's Helpline for support - 1800 858 858.
    Also, have a chat with 1800 RESPECT for domestic violence support - 1800 737 732.

    Please stay in contact with us here on the forums. You are amongst friends.
    0 x
    Ana_80
    Junior Member
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2018 10:49 pm

    Re: He refuses to see his gambling as a problem

    Mon May 03, 2021 1:39 am

    Hi @Tethersend I feel like I am reading my own story. I joined this forum only yesterday and your story stood out to me. I posted yesterday, and can really relate to you.

    I too felt somewhat pathetic writing what I did and then reading it - but I never thought that of you.

    It’s so hard isn’t it :( Like you, we earn a good wage combined and I think - if I died tomorrow, how would my family pay for my funeral. We have no savings and no bank would be crazy enough to lend us a cent with the hundreds of thousands of dollars he has taken out in loans.

    Your post was a few months ago, and I truly hope you are in a better place. That whatever you have done or decided and however hard that was - you are as well as can be expected.

    Again, my heart breaks for you. If you ever feel like a chat please reach out to me x
    3 x
    Jimap
    Junior Member
    Posts: 22
    Joined: Thu Apr 01, 2021 2:17 pm

    Re: He refuses to see his gambling as a problem

    Sat May 22, 2021 9:05 am

    Hi @Damaged_Armour ,
    I am wondering if you can provide some advice...although I am separated from my partner who has a gambling addiction I still love him. I chose to leave as our relationship as it had become so unhealthy and he didn’t see how his addiction had destroyed so much. We are close still as we have children together. He rarely opens up about how he is going when we do talk, he is often depressed and irritable. I no longer ask about his gambling and sometimes he does tell me he is gambling again but I feel like if I keep asking or talking about it it puts pressure on him and it doesn’t really change anything. I am focusing on myself more, getting counselling, rebuilding my confidence, making time for my self care and soon we won’t have any financial commitments together. How can I best support him even though we aren’t together? What helped you see you had a problem with gambling?? We’re there things people did while you were gambling that were unhelpful??? I have people telling me to move on and that I deserve better but it’s difficult to just let go of someone I have loved so much but who has also caused me so much pain😢😔
    Thanks...
    1 x
    Damaged_Armour
    Member
    Posts: 46
    Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2020 3:17 pm

    Re: He refuses to see his gambling as a problem

    Fri Jun 04, 2021 6:35 pm

    Jimap wrote:
    Sat May 22, 2021 9:05 am
    Hi @Damaged_Armour ,
    I am wondering if you can provide some advice...although I am separated from my partner who has a gambling addiction I still love him. I chose to leave as our relationship as it had become so unhealthy and he didn’t see how his addiction had destroyed so much. We are close still as we have children together. He rarely opens up about how he is going when we do talk, he is often depressed and irritable. I no longer ask about his gambling and sometimes he does tell me he is gambling again but I feel like if I keep asking or talking about it it puts pressure on him and it doesn’t really change anything. I am focusing on myself more, getting counselling, rebuilding my confidence, making time for my self care and soon we won’t have any financial commitments together. How can I best support him even though we aren’t together? What helped you see you had a problem with gambling?? We’re there things people did while you were gambling that were unhelpful??? I have people telling me to move on and that I deserve better but it’s difficult to just let go of someone I have loved so much but who has also caused me so much pain😢😔
    Thanks...
    It's a personal battle that only he can win. You asking him or not asking him how he's going with gambling will have no effect on weather he gambles or not. When he's made the decision to gamble he's going to do it.
    You leaving him is the best reason for him to change and improve his life, if he chooses to, that is he can choose to wallow in pity which is inevitable, then take the steps to help himself ie counciling, self exclusion etc. Only he can make that decision.
    2 x
    There's No such thing as "Just Once"

    You want to stop gambling? Ok great, put your boxing gloves on.
    Jimap
    Junior Member
    Posts: 22
    Joined: Thu Apr 01, 2021 2:17 pm

    Re: He refuses to see his gambling as a problem

    Sun Jun 06, 2021 10:10 pm

    Thank you @Damaged_Armour...your comments make a lot of sense. It’s a battle between my head and heart at the moment. I can see that leaving was my best option for both of us, it’s stopping my heart hurting that is the hardest.
    0 x
    forwardres
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2021 3:26 am

    Re: He refuses to see his gambling as a problem

    Tue Jun 08, 2021 3:27 am

    Without you, he'll go crazy. But you can't leave it like that. I think you should find some compromise. Maybe you should try to find a site where you can put a limit on the amount of bets? I installed this for my friend. He plays to the last cent.My friend does not know that he has a limit, and always when he reaches the limit, it seems to him that there are some problems with the site. All his relatives are grateful to me, now they can afford to rest and buy expensive things.
    0 x

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