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Boyfriend GA - 24yrs, helping him is making us toxic

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Samantha
Junior Member
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Nov 25, 2013 8:43 am

Boyfriend GA - 24yrs, helping him is making us toxic

Thu Mar 14, 2019 11:13 am

Hello

I want to be quite specific with my post in hope I have people out there in similar situations. I hope someone reads this fully.

We have been together for just over 3 years. He has had a major problem for maybe 7 years.
he is 24yrs old. Mainly online sports betting, going to the TAB if he can. Constantly lies and white lies about anything to hide his bets or to get the money to bet.
He has had phases of self banning and stints of no betting, but always comes back to it.
He suffers from anxiety and depression as a result.

Without any help, he will go through his pay in a day, maybe 2.
As he lived at home for all this time, he would get by as he didn't rent, so no huge consequences. In the beginning I would financially help. I would shout lunch, get zippay in my name so he can pay off things, put money towards big purchases etc, he would take a long time to pay back.

It is a cycle of, taking control financially (to help him and to pay myself back), fighting over lies and finding out he betted, he takes back control for a while, loses money, I help out if i really have to, he has a break down i get back control. this cycle goes on and on (we have tried his parents doing it too).

He finds it hard to explain and talk about, he is riddled with guilt, says he wants to stop, but continues to do it.

This year, we moved interstate and are living together. I have taken control to ensure rent and bills are paid. I also try to help him save, do my best to no let him have money if i know he doesn't need to, I also am able to see when he bets and lies. This results in big fights, hurtful comments (he blames me a lot). I get very emotional, he is tough and can be mean, but eventually apologies...annnnd we do a lot.

He has begun seeing psychologist..he says its helping, but after his last session he betted the money he needed to pay for it right after, which I just do not understand.

MY QUESTION: I am obsessing to help him, working out a budget, trying to (but failing) to be strict with how much i give him (depending how angry he gets). Trying to not financially help, but end up helping. Checking his account to see what hes taken etc. Its causing me stress. I want him to have savings so we can do things. Do i just take the rent and bills and leave it and distance myself from any help?
5 x
Calvin (facilitator)
Senior Member
Posts: 210
Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2018 4:01 pm

Re: Boyfriend GA - 24yrs, helping him is making us toxic

Fri Mar 15, 2019 4:24 pm

Hello @Samantha ,

Welcome to the forums!

I'm Calvin, one of the facilitators here on the forums!

Sounds like a tough battle you've been facing. I can imagine it to be quite stressful with what course of action to take next.

He needs to get to the point where he realizes how this is impacting areas in his life and also identifying what his own triggers are.

Would both of you be open to possibly seeing a gambling counsellor/financial counsellor ?

it could be quite helpful at this time. I understand it is quite stressful and puts a lot of pressure on yourself.

In the meantime, keep time for yourself and manage your own self-care as this can understandably become quite consuming.

I'm sure you will find that many other members have had similar experiences to yourself.
2 x
Samantha
Junior Member
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Nov 25, 2013 8:43 am

Re: Boyfriend GA - 24yrs, helping him is making us toxic

Mon Mar 18, 2019 10:46 am

Hi @Calvin (facilitator)

He is in the headspace of wanting to stop, knowing he has to, but also doesn't want to. Which is hard for someone like me to understand.
He isn't one for opening up.

I dread every pay day as he asks for cash for things he doesn't need, lunch money, when hes packed it to work, petrol, when he has half a tank etc. Sometimes he lies sometimes he doesn't. And It is hard for me to know. And I argue to spend on what he NEEDS and get used to budgeting.

It turns into toxic arguing to the point where he takes back control. Which is where we are at now, i had a massive chat to him and he listened and understood...

My aim this week is to get back the control and get him to self exclude...which im worried how to approach
2 x
Calvin (facilitator)
Senior Member
Posts: 210
Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2018 4:01 pm

Re: Boyfriend GA - 24yrs, helping him is making us toxic

Tue Mar 19, 2019 1:57 pm

yes it can be quite a tough position to be in at this point in time.

It can be useful at this point to share your feelings in a civil manner about the relationship as a whole, and expressing how all this is affecting you.

Will you be interested in getting some counselling support for yourself and possibly for him down the track ?

Even encouraging him to call the helpline
1 x
Samantha
Junior Member
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Nov 25, 2013 8:43 am

Re: Boyfriend GA - 24yrs, helping him is making us toxic

Tue Mar 19, 2019 6:27 pm

I have tried that. He is seeing a psychologist. But only twice so far.

He reluctantly gave me back the password to his account. We got in an argument as I have given him a serious ultimatum that if he doesn’t make changes, I cannot hang around. I have given him 3 years of support so It didn’t come lightly to say that. And he wasn’t budging to start making some changes.

He chose to ignore me and not give me his password for his account as payday is tomorrow
He doesn’t want to be controlled he said.

He ended up texting me the password after a while. When I went to thank him he barely wanted to speak and wanted to be alone.

How do I go about controlling his money this week? Do I take the rent and bills and leave him the rest. Or do I try really hard to help financially even though he doesn’t want me to?
1 x
Mona58
Senior Member
Posts: 961
Joined: Sun Oct 15, 2017 11:44 am

Re: Boyfriend GA - 24yrs, helping him is making us toxic

Wed Mar 20, 2019 7:25 pm

Hi Samantha,

I do not have an answer to your dilemma.

No one likes to be controlled. I'm sure he knows that giving you control is in his best interests.

Remember too ... to take care of yourself!

Wishing you all the best!

stay strong

Mona
0 x
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
TimTam
Member
Posts: 38
Joined: Thu Oct 11, 2018 9:13 am

Re: Boyfriend GA - 24yrs, helping him is making us toxic

Thu Mar 21, 2019 3:05 pm

Hi @Samantha

This sounds very hard for you- it must take up so much time and energy trying to help him. With people gambling, unfortunately they will only stop when they are ready to, generally when they have experienced some sort of negative consequence from it. This cycle may keep happening if he is not ready to stop- at which point you need to ask yourself how much is too much... when does it all stop?

One piece of advice I will pass to you, is to not give him any money, and stop bailing him out of debts etc. This is enabling his gambling behaviour, and most likely he will not stop if you are doing this. It might be most helpful to take control of his finances, ensure his debts and bills are paid... and don't allow him any money to gamble with. Ideally he should help you with paying his debts and bills so he can take some responsibility of this.

Hope things are ok this week, take care of yourself.

Tim Tam
1 x

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