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Re: A desire to prove this cycle can be broken

Posted: Mon Aug 17, 2015 12:11 pm
by Kerry
It's another Monday. This is how I've started all my posts prior to today and if I'm not honest with all of you people on this forum I am only kidding myself. 18 huge steps forward - 1 GIANT LEAP BACKWARDS. No one said this was going to be easy. Unfortunately I allowed myself to be put in a position (actually I put myself in a position) where I obtained cash and happily fed those gaming machines with $50 notes at will. I am not angry just carrying an overwhelming feeling of disappointed in myself. My resolve was so strong - 18 days gamble free. Why did I let this happen? Truth is - I really don't know. It just did. Headed O/S for a 4 day weekend - rained the whole time - stayed indoors - until someone suggested we hit a Casino. And you know what? If the truth be known - it was probably me who made that inital suggestion. Error in judgement - No - Huge mistake on my part. It was like everything I've learned in the last 18 days about my gambling addiction just went out the window. Lost focus - wasn't strong - but i wont give up. I will learn from this setback and I WILL Chase this Challenge. I have to! I have a desire to prove to myself that this cycle can be broken.

That was Friday and then again Saturday - so I've officially been gamble free for 1 whole day now. Back to basics. This is going to be a long hard road to walk however I will walk it. I will walk it with your support so please don't give up on me quite just yet.

I've realised this past weekend that I have not shared my gambling addiction with anyone outside this forum. Not my family, not my partner, not my work collegues and certainly not my friends. Given I carry this secret that I share with no one makes it difficult in social situations. If just one of them had known - the outcome would have been so different. I know if I could just open up a little they would all understand and support me - however opening up is just so hard for me.

So as I said. It's a new day. It's a new beginning. The challenge is still the same. This will is still as strong. I WILL NOT PUT ONE CENT OF MY MONEY INTO A GAMING MACHINE TODAY. I WILL CHASE THIS CHALLENGE.

Re: A desire to prove this cycle can be broken

Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2015 12:14 pm
by At wits end
Hi Kerry

I'm a partner of a gambler with an extreme problem and in extreme denial.
I'm reading your posts and that of others in recovery to try to gain insight into what may 'work' in terms of recovery.

I was so happy for you to read of your 18day recovery.
And I'm sorry to hear last weekend was a bad one.

The struggle sounds exhausting.

It must be also exhausting to conceal it from everyone you know outside the forum.
I've read that part of some peoples recovery is telling a trusted person about the challenge you face. I'm trying to negotiate with my own partner for him to open up to someone other than me but the denial prevents it.

I admire the strength you have to be here on this forum and taking the challenge.
I was wondering if you wrote a letter to someone you may confide in it may be a first step?
You don't have to give it to them but just the action of writing it may be a start?

My heart goes out to all of you with this insidious illness that is a silent destroyer of lives. And I'm furious with the way we get bombarded everywhere tempting people to gamble. The government is pathetic in allowing all the gambling related advertising.

It's everywhere.

It must be so hard to block it out.

I hope each day gives you more strength and resolve.

Re: A desire to prove this cycle can be broken

Posted: Wed Aug 19, 2015 8:35 am
by pamela
Kerry this is the hardest thing any of us have had to face..and I honestly feel that once you actually tell someone close to you that you have a problem..half the weight has been lifted because then you have actually acknowledged rhe problem.Give it a go and tell someone..keep up chasing the challenge..

Re: A desire to prove this cycle can be broken

Posted: Wed Aug 19, 2015 11:21 am
by Charlotte (facilitator)
Hi Kerry,

sorry to hear about the step backwards - but remember, it's just that, a step backwards, not landslide! The important thing is to learn from the mistake, and figure out what you'd do differently if a similar situation comes up in the future. Change is a process, not an event - so it takes time, and mistakes happen. Keep chasing the challenge and you'll get there - a whole lot wiser for it I'm sure!

All the best,

Charlotte

Re: A desire to prove this cycle can be broken

Posted: Wed Aug 19, 2015 11:23 am
by Charlotte (facilitator)
Hi atwitsend,

I really like the idea of a letter.... AndI'm wondering if you've tried it with your husband? Him reading how his gambling is impacting you might be a different experience from hearing it, and may perhaps elicit a different response..... Just a thought :)

Charlotte

Re: A desire to prove this cycle can be broken

Posted: Wed Aug 19, 2015 7:52 pm
by Sandra
Hi Kerry,
So sorry to hear about your weekend but know in your heart everyone reading this knows the feeling of disappointment we feel with our selves for being so "WEAK" We are not weak we have an illness that will take a lot of hard work, change of habits, thoughts, actually everything we know in our life that has become our life has to change..
I have disclosed to the family and some friends. Mixed reaction. some are supportive and some just tell me I am an idiot and why would I do such a stupid thing... funny the couple that are supportive are the ones that have had an issue themselves at some time.... shopping on credit card addiction, drinking a bit too much wine after work..... even an eating disorder.... the ones that have not experienced anything are the ones that don't seem to understand or want to understand! My urges tonight were so strong that I did not think I would be able to say no....but I delayed and then logged on here again to see how you were going and now I am in my PJ'S, relaxed again and no that today I wont gamble..
Thank you and definitely will not be giving up on you yet!! Sandra

Re: A desire to prove this cycle can be broken

Posted: Wed Aug 19, 2015 11:15 pm
by pamela
Good job Sandra resisting the urge..being in your pj's sounds much better than losing on the pokies

Re: A desire to prove this cycle can be broken

Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2015 9:36 am
by At wits end
Hi Sandra. Thanks for your insight. It helps me understand my partner better. I know exactly what you mean about people with no experience of addiction having no empathy.

Charlotte, I've written many letters to my partner, some of which I've given to him, many I haven't.
I do find the action of writing to him is cathartic as I can express myself freely without being interrupted, yelled at etc..

Re: A desire to prove this cycle can be broken

Posted: Mon Aug 24, 2015 3:20 pm
by Kerry
So another Monday is here and almost gone and I can proudly say that after by huge step backwards last week - I didn't put a cent of my hard earned money into a gaming machine this past week. Back to basics as I said in my last post. 8 days gamble free.

A situation came to light that forced me to show my hand somewhat. My son sent me an email explaining that he was having a tough time and asked me for a loan to help him out of a financial situation. For the first time in 25 years I had to respond with a NO. I have always moved heaven and earth to help my kids financially sometimes taking out loans or borrowing on my credit cards etc to assist them with thousands of dollars at a time. Something I've learned through the past month is the true value of a $$$$. My lacklustre attitude with money over the years has resulted in my own children being somewhat financially irresponsible because they could always come to mum and be propped up with some financial support.

This time I responded with a very long email explaining that I am unable to assist as my gambling debts have forced me to cancel all my lines of credit and cancel all my credit cards whilst I get my addiction and my finances back under control. My email explained that I am totally shattered that I can't assist on this occasion however also gave him a small insight into what gambling has done to me personally and financially.

After finally opening up to one of my children I then sent a copy of that email to my eldest daughter. I think in her heart she knew that I had a problem however did not want to address this with me. Whilst she has offered little support in relation to the email and it hasn't really been discussed – I feel more comfortable just having the knowledge out there.

This lead way to advising my partner that I do not wish to attend any gaming venue now or in the immediate future as I do have a gambling problem (without going into depth) and I am working toward eradicating this infectious disease.

Whilst I enlightened 4 of the people closest to me in the world – I have done so rather discretely and without going into all the ins and outs of my gambling addiction. None of the 4 have really approached the subject again – preferring to silently acknowledge it and move on which really enforces the belief that non gambling addicted people do not fully comprehend the magnitude of a gambling addiction.

Thanks guys for all your words of support this past week. They truly are inspirational and this forum is a real eye opener for some hard core facts about ourselves. Your encouragement allowed me to break down the barrier of holding this secret inside and dealing with it alone. Although I still fear I am dealing with it alone - I do so with the support of some wonderful people on this forum so Thank You.

So that was this week's task and however small it may seem to some out there – it was a huge step for me. It's another fortnight of tight budgets and debt reduction but I am determined to see this through to the end. I keep telling myself to CHASE THE CHALLENGE. I say this to myself hour after hour – day after day. I WILL NOT PUT ONE CENT OF MY HARD EARNED MONEY INTO A GAMING MACHINE THIS WEEK.

Re: A desire to prove this cycle can be broken

Posted: Mon Aug 24, 2015 4:44 pm
by At wits end
Hi kerry

You sound strong and focused.
Well done for confiding.
I really admire your bravery and hope I see the day my own partner can open up.
You are an inspiration.
Keep up the good fight.