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  • Starting out again

    Chart your progress in working to overcome your gambling concerns and your ongoing recovery. Inspire others & take us all on your road to recovery!
    Kim9
    Member
    Posts: 47
    Joined: Fri Jan 31, 2014 10:03 pm

    RE: Starting out again

    Wed Feb 05, 2014 6:34 am

    Fair enough (re your flatmate)Hey I hope you're making some great plans for your birthday this month!
    Keep up the good work.
    0 x
    AmandaB
    Member
    Posts: 77
    Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 5:53 am

    RE: Starting out again

    Mon Feb 10, 2014 9:25 pm

    Thanks Kim,

    I initially thought I could have some type of gathering here but lately I have noticed how my flatmate keeps on finding fault with people and things and I didn't want to be on the end of that. So I have no plans, I am a bit lost as what to do, but I should do something.

    Hope you are going well
    xx
    0 x
    AmandaB
    Member
    Posts: 77
    Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 5:53 am

    RE: Starting out again

    Tue Feb 11, 2014 6:18 am

    I felt stressed from work yesterday so I called up a friend and went to visit. Declined the offer of wine but had 2 ciggies. What I didn't want to do was drink, or gamble. I am trying to do somethings differently. My friend posted that the moon is in Mercury Retrograde - so lots of friction and problems until Feb 28. Damn thats a long time. I woke up stressed, sleep wasn't that deep last night, feeling anxiety as I feel short of breath. Might try to find a pool with a hot spa tonight.
    Gratitude sometimes helps me with this and I have a lot to be grateful for

    ...I just closed my eyes and thought about the good things in my life and it did actually help slow me down a little.

    Have a good day today and I will remember I just need to get through today and will need to be extra kind and loving to myself (don't really get that from others)

    xxx
    0 x
    AmandaB
    Member
    Posts: 77
    Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 5:53 am

    RE: Starting out again

    Wed Feb 12, 2014 6:19 am

    Yesterday was just a crap day due to not having a good sleep. I had high anxiety at work and the feeling of almost a panic attack. It peaked in the afternoon and then subsided to a more manageable level. I t didn't help that work was very full on and no time for a lunch break. But I didn't gamble. Went home and spoke to a friend for 70mins. Sometimes life is tough but this morning feel so much better and able to take the day on. I don't like having high anxiety but it won't kill me and doesn't stay at very high levels consistently. I actually packed my bathers and towel into the car and googled a pool with spa to go to if I needed to go after work to relax. I just felt like going home but now know a new place to go after work to relax.

    Slowly but surely I am building my repertoire of alternates to gambling. Thank god really because I ran out of money the day before payday without gambling.

    Have a good day, I am meeting a new person I met for dinner tonight.

    x
    0 x
    Kim9
    Member
    Posts: 47
    Joined: Fri Jan 31, 2014 10:03 pm

    RE: Starting out again

    Wed Feb 12, 2014 10:06 am

    HI Amanda, you are doing great, I'm glad you are still not gambling and finding other activities to do. You sound really happy today. Getting back to your birthday, when is it? You don't have to make it a big party etc but even just to organise dinner and a movie with a friend will give you something to look forward to and keep you busy. I always find my bday hard in regards to gambling cos it's was traditionally what I used to do to celebrate. Whatever you do a great present to yourself would be to stay away from the pokies and wake up the next day feeling so great about yourself and the year ahead.

    As far as drinking goes, I have never been that much of a drinker but when I used to party a bit I always hated that cringeworthy moment when I'd wake up after a big night out and remember all the embarrassing/stupid things I did. Such a relief now not to feel that way.take care Kim x

    0 x
    AmandaB
    Member
    Posts: 77
    Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 5:53 am

    RE: Starting out again

    Thu Feb 13, 2014 6:24 am

    Thanks Kim,

    I will do something for it but maybe the week before. Gambling is not part of my birthday celebrations thank god as it tends to pop up in other places.

    I thought I was supposed to meet my new friend and her daughter for dinner, my friend said she liked the buffet at a club so that is where I went to meet her last night. I was 10 mins early so sat in the foyer. I waited 20 mins and then sent a text saying I am in the foyer. Meanwhile I can hear the pokies in the background but deliberately sat with my back to them. I rang up after she was 20 mins late and she thought it was Thursday. She said no probs she would come and it would take 15 mins,.

    I had high anxiety then and just went over to the pokies( that was a very quick move) while I waited thinking "just put $5 in" played for a little then she rang and said why don't I come over as she had already cooked. Ok then, but I wasn't finished as my $5 had gone and I stuck a $50 in, very quickly. My heart was really racing then, I had a vision of me sitting there for way too long and her wondering where I was or me phoning and cancelling to make it another night. I don't think I had ever played for a short time like that before. I got a game and my money back (luckily) and pulled it out and walked out. A part of my brain really wanted to stay as I thought the machine was paying. Sitting in the car I was able to calculate what I thought was paying out, only amounted to $35. That was the amount of money that I really had on top of what I put in. That was what I almost put in front of a new friendship.

    So here I am starting out again. Not too bruised, learnt a bit more. The amount was not a big one in the scheme of things but my actions each time are what I need to explore as it is a very slippery slope from $5 to $50 to $500 and more.
    0 x
    Sarah1
    Junior Member
    Posts: 3
    Joined: Thu Feb 13, 2014 9:33 am

    RE: Starting out again

    Thu Feb 13, 2014 9:47 am

    Hi Amanda

    My name is Sarah I too have taken up the 100 day challenge and today am at day 49 just wanted to encourage you that you can do it! You just have to allow yourself to rediscover who you where before the pokies! Keep on keeping on and remember you are a real winner if you do not play!
    0 x
    AmandaB
    Member
    Posts: 77
    Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 5:53 am

    RE: Starting out again

    Thu Feb 13, 2014 8:32 pm

    Thanks Sarah, Congratulations on 49 days, you are going great.. I started playing 34 years ago so not much of who I was at at would be recognisable to me. I think I have to bring my best self forward and my best self would not be gambling.
    xxx
    0 x
    User avatar
    Angelina.
    Senior Member
    Posts: 326
    Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:43 pm

    RE: Starting out again

    Fri Feb 14, 2014 9:15 pm

    Dear Sarah (& Amanda & Kim); & everyone,

    Just wanted to say a quick 'hello' and thank you all for your wonderful support. Sarah, I noticed that you are new here and wanted to formally welcome you


    We as a team are so pleased and honoured to be a part of your journeys


    I have attached a link to an article on peer support online- have a look if you are interested- it highlights that community peer-supported programmes can have a significant positive impact on addiction recovery!

    http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1 ... ated=false

    Warm regards
    Angelina
    0 x
    AmandaB
    Member
    Posts: 77
    Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 5:53 am

    RE: Starting out again

    Sun Feb 16, 2014 7:24 am

    Totally blew it yesterday. Goddam gambling demons. Had a good morning, did washing cleaned up my bedroom. Went to a realestate agent told them what sort of house I was looking to buy, contacted friends all the helpful things. Even had a moderate night Friday drinking. I decided I would go to a big shopping centre and treat myself to some new sheets. It was raining and the rain was dripping onto my car, I was feeling annoyed and a bit wet. Had not thought about gambling at all that day until I saw the turn off to the big club and in a nano second I had turned into the driveway. A part of me was saying Nooo Don't do it, but the compulsion took over like on auto pilot. I even walked in and joined up. I figured I only had $160 on me so it wouldn't be so bad, as my friend has my card that I can withdraw cash from.

    You know how it goes, that money went and I thought I will try to get a cash advance on my credit card from the atm, luckily that was not an option at the venue. Then I wondered if I could access my savings account which normally I transfer money into before I withdraw. I withdrew $20 from my savings and spent that. Then the thought crossed my mind that I probably took that money from my offset account which was looking good as it was payday recently. Bingo, got $200 out...and so it went until I had spent the $1,000 I took out as well as the $160. A few times I went to leave and just walked to the atm and withdrew more money. I knew it was bad and I would really regret it but did it anyway. Started bumming cigarettes from other people so much I had to buy a packet ( I had given up).

    I covered my account by withdrawing from the homeloan account when I got home. I felt like shite but got ready to go to dinner with friends. I couldn't bring myself to tell my friend who has my cash card what a bad day I had gambling. She is on a very tight budget and I feel ashamed to waste my money, yet again.Although she wouldn't judge me there is nothing she can say or do to make it better so it would just burden her. My greatest fear now is that I know I can access all my pay through my credit card. I will have to contact the bank and see if they can unlink it somehow. Always embarrassing as they can probably see multiple withdrawals from a club. I wish I could cry but I just feel emotional pain. From past experience I know not to beat myself up, I already did that to my bank account and feel bad enough. It is a very lonely feeling but I am glad to be able to let it out here. Back to the beginning again and today is a new day is what I am telling myself.
    0 x

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