Page 3 of 7

RE: Starting out again

Posted: Tue Jan 14, 2014 10:49 pm
by AmandaB
Today I felt irritated with small things and felt some anger. I don't like that feeling and almost felt like crying. I know I don't really express feelings like those very well so I wonder if it was old bottled up stuff or just the phase of the moon or hormones.( or a bit of all of it)

RE: Starting out again

Posted: Wed Jan 15, 2014 12:10 am
by Angelina.
Dear Amanda,

I love your curiosity with regard to questioning what the anger/irritability is about. Hhhhmmm...I often wonder if there is some connection with how people are feeling (on a community level) and our position in the universe (us being made up of the same stuff in the universe and being part of an intricate system...). Could it maybe be related to a heat wave in combination with not gambling (having your routine 'escape from your own mind')? What might the "bottled up stuff" mean?

Excellent questions!
Warm regards,


Angelina

RE: Starting out again

Posted: Tue Jan 21, 2014 6:59 am
by AmandaB
This time it was hormonal but I got notice an underlying irritability. I mentioned it here because I think playing pokies is also an emotional escape and numbing. I too believe in an emotional community contagion(Princess Di). However I have not been so hot here, air con at work and lots of trees and a pool at home. I have on hot days spend quite a time at a club for the aircon and at the end thought I could have bought my own aircon and had it installed with what I spent.

My flatmate won again, 1k this time, this is what she tells me, what some one else mentioned was they couldn't do $2.50 bets, so she is betting more to win more, which means you lose more each time you go. These would be the times that no-one hears about. No one 'wins" on the pokies over any period of time.

Yet I wanted to go to the pokies yet again yesterday, my cash supplies are down to about $50 in cash and some loose change so I can't. I pictured taking $20 and playing 25 and 15c bets and I the thought of blowing that in 15 mins and wanting to play more came to mind. Thats the feeling I hate when I just want to keep playing, probably that's why I keep withdrawing from the ATM.Thats when it doesn't feel like real money and I say "stuff it I can figure it out tomorrow, I will redraw from the mortgage account if I really need to, it's my money - I can spend it how I want" and all the other excuses I can come up with. BUT I didn't so I strengthened my resistance.

The other thing that has been going on is giving up cigarettes, I used patches for the first time and noticed I would still want to have a couple of cigarettes or half cigarettes each day. I was feeling more anxious than normal as time went on (Started 1st Jan), I tried to figure out what was going on and then I remembered what Easy Way to stop smoking said that cigarettes (nicotine) makes you feel anxious so you have another cigarette "to calm you down" and then set up the cycle again. So I pulled off the 24hr patch Sunday night before bed and woke up feeling a bit calmer, so lets see how this goes, I am practicing taking a deep breath when I feel like one.

Ok thats all out of my head, don't really have anyone to rave about these things with.
Cheers

RE: Starting out again

Posted: Thu Jan 23, 2014 7:22 am
by AmandaB
Still not gambling, (it feels like forever but is only 18 days) I have thought of using my credit card for a cash advance but have resisted. I noticed how lonely I feel lately. Didn't go to Zumba again as it was a bit hard on the ol knees. I also noticed that when I used to exercise it was in the morning and that was when my energy was around. Somehow I don't fancy exercising before work but I know I will have to do something to quell the anxiety that flows along.

Need to get some regular local friends, my tendency is to slip away and not plan social things in advance with the excuse What if I don't feel like it then? I have been this way for a looong time. Single as well, yep too much time on the computer.

the journey continues...

xxAmanda

RE: Starting out again

Posted: Sat Jan 25, 2014 7:35 am
by AmandaB
In an effort to be more social I went on 3 coffee dates, it was a bit of an effort to organise but I need to keep putting myself out there. Met someone with similar interests but no physical attraction so that could be a new friend.

Yesterday I went through my bank account online and highlighted the past 6 months of withdrawals from clubs, easy enough to find as multiple withdrawals on same date. I noticed the amount withdrawn was getting bigger over time. I calculated 5600, add another 400 (modest) for cash on hand.Easy 6k in 5 months, over $250 a week. On a graph it was the biggest outgoing expense I had, more than the mortgage payment. Not so proud of myself for having spent it but a good reminder of why not to gamble. I would find it very difficult to agree to spend $6000 in one go on something worthwhile yet gambling is wasteful and I did it. I know the year before it was more like 20k as I had a settlement in the bank and was spending at the club like I had an unlimited pot.

Hopefully that should shut down those urges for a bit longer so I can pay off the credit card debt.

Have a nice weekend

RE: Starting out again

Posted: Tue Jan 28, 2014 7:14 am
by AmandaB
Yesterday I awoke with negative thoughts, I think they were creeping in while my mind was waking. I felt sad and all alone. Hangover from half a bottle of bourbon and a couple of champers over the day. The most I have drunk for about 4 months. I track my daily drinking at ABSTAR.

So I sat on my bed and watched movies, I find it really hard to go out when I am like that so I just wait for the day to pass. This morning I woke refreshed full of positive thoughts and plans about what I need to do different. I was struck when I opened my eyes that I was opening my eyes to exactly the same bedroom the same life as yesterday, the only thing that had changed was my attitude and I was sooo grateful that I could change it, that I could have some hope when yesterday everything was soo bleak. Yesterday I had very negative thinking, you know the type - nobody likes me, I will probably not be able to keep my job then I will lose my house(the one that I haven't bought yet) whats the point of living. Blah blah blah. Negative thoughts seem to breed negative thoughts for me. I just think them though never do anything about them.

Here's my list of things I am going to do:
Contact a friend each day
Find a dressmaker and get some of my clothes altered to fit me
Plan mid week and weekend activities with friends
Have a regular movie night with friends
Plan my birthday party for Feb
Get some new profile pics
Find a good hairdresser
Plan in advance my time with my sons

I scribbled this on a piece of paper and made a little picture or bubble on each one so it looks pretty
Feeling so much better
PS Can you believe my bloody flatmate won another $500, I am starting to get numb to her wins- great exposure therapy

RE: Starting out again

Posted: Fri Jan 31, 2014 6:47 pm
by red3
hi amanda

that must be hard having a flat mate still playing and hearing about her so called wins

i gotta say just remember how much goes into the machines in the time she is their to win that

and how much has she put in altogether

im really liking your list of what you need to do

i might try that as well.im trying to find hobbies and stuff to keep busy

im on 1 week no pokies.i smoke to much but only drink when i go to clubs

its been really good reading your journey and helps alot

thankyou nat

RE: Starting out again

Posted: Sat Feb 01, 2014 11:45 am
by AmandaB
Good luck Nat. It will probably toughen me up to keep hearing about her wins, however..

I blew it last night. I picked up my cash card last Sunday from my friend as I needed to top up my cash(should have returned it straight away). Almost went to the club that same day but didn't. Last night I went to a life drawing class which was very enjoyable, however saw the sign for a club and just headed there straight after. I ended up winning 200 and took the cash out of machine. Had a late night with a few drinks and feel seedy today. Glad I didn't put it back through. I will have to take the card back to my friend. I can't be trusted. I will use the 200 to pay a little off the credit card. Today is a new month and I plan to not gamble. I have started some good habits of being social, so I hope I can keep that up.

RE: Starting out again

Posted: Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:46 am
by Kim9
HI Amanda, I just read through this post. Thanks for sharing it really does help to hear how other people are going with this battle. I wonder if you could just try saying something to your flatmate when she's bragging about her wins eg "It doesn't matter how much I win I believe that saying that in the end the machines always win". We all know that most people who tell us about their winnings are not mentioning the losses because we've all done the same. I remember once when I had a big win and put it all back in the machines I had a moment of clarity where I suddenly realised "It doesn't matter how much I win I will always end up putting the money back in the machines" Whether it's in the same stint or next time I will end up throwing that money away (Even if I literally use that money to pay some bills there will be other money that will go back in the machines. Which is really the same money. If that makes sense?....)Sometimes when I get hit like a thunderbolt with clarity like that I write down a statement that I can look at to strengthen my resolve.

Another time I had gone several months without gambling and I felt really fantastic but I then had a bad relapse. I had to tell my husband and I was so ashamed and so miserable. That day we had to take our kids out to a function. I couldn't enjoy myself and felt so dirty, revolting etc. It suddenly hit me that I'd been going around feeling like I was missing so much cos I couldn't go to the pokies. I thought that the pokies were just so tempting and so wonderful and it wasn't fair that I wasn't allowed to do the thing that I loved the most. That night when I couldn't enjoy myself with the kids it suddenly hit me "my life is better when I'm not gambling!!!!!" So obvious but for me that statement became a massive belief in my life. I wrote it down and put it in my purse. At the moment I am struggling with a relapse but it's helped so much writing this down. I am going to start reading that little piece of paper again.Sorry this rave is so long, if you are still reading thanks!
kim


RE: Starting out again

Posted: Mon Feb 03, 2014 7:31 pm
by AmandaB
Thanks Kim I read all the way through
I won't argue with my flatmate (because that is how it will end) she will defend her right to gamble her money as she worked hard for it and it doesn't hurt anyone etc etc as we have both said the same thing to each other before to justify gambling. I will come across venues and gamblers in my life and I just need to get used to them.

Yep I also believe we never win in the end.

I need to organise a few more things for this week, I enjoyed being social