Quitting Again

This forum is designed for you to chart your progress in working to overcome your gambling concerns and your ongoing recovery. Take us all on your road to recovery!

Re: Quitting Again

Postby malvina » Tue Dec 13, 2016 8:07 pm

Hallo Chunks, What a story. You have found us now and can share with us as you go along. You are right gambling IS s sickness - like any obsessive compulsion - and the irony is that we make ourselves sick - that is finally. In most cases our sickness stems from something else that made us ill and we use our obsession to cover it up - like some childhood trauma of abuse etc I could never face my addiction until I had faced and talked about my abuse. When we have done this we can make that decision - for good... we only need to quit once
God Bless You
malvina
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Re: Quitting Again

Postby Fiona (facilitator) » Tue Dec 13, 2016 4:47 pm

HI Chunks,

My name is Fiona, one of the moderators here. Good on you for reaching out and sharing your story. It's a big story. Also great to hear that you want to quit tonight. Could I suggest that you give the Gambling Help helpline a call - 1800 858 858. Might be worth seeing if a counsellor can help right now and also asking about other supports to help with the decision you have made.

I am also concerned that you are experiencing suicidal thoughts. That is really tough and I also understand that things are tough for you at the moment. The injury sounds like it had a big impact on your life. If you are experiencing any thoughts of suicide tonight I really encourage you to call the 1800 858 858 number - they are there 24 / 7 everyday of the year - so you can ring anytime. Or if it is better for you there is also a service called Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467 - and you could start a conversation with them. Either way give either number a call tonight if you need to - there is never a bad time to call.

Take care,

Fiona
Fiona (facilitator)
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Quitting Again

Postby Chunkyquitter » Mon Dec 12, 2016 11:37 pm

Hi everyone,
I'm nearly 40 years old and have been gambling since I was 14 or 15 when my mum used to give me money to put trifectas on(I was quite lucky unfortunalty). I also used to go to the club and play pokies with her when I was 16 or 17( shocking to write this now as a parent because I would do anything to divert my kids from gambling) I even hear the music and the way kids toys work and am convinced pokie machine companies make kids toys to start the reward process at a young age.
Gambling wasn't a problem untill I had access to a proper wage and moved out of home and had expenses to pay for. A Tradesman used to take me to the TAB, they used to get tips and we won significant amounts of money like $3 and $4k as an apprentice earning $550 per week. I remember one day he won $46k in 1999(this man is now broke at 70 and still working).
I worked second jobs for years even though my first jobs/shift work paid really well, even sold drugs for a while.. All to supplement my gambling.
I have tried to gas myself/overdose and even hang myself. These were proper attempts not cries for help as most of these times I rang no one and told no one of the attempt. I took about 40 mercindol once and all they did is make me sleep for about 20 hours, with gassing myself I tried to stay in the car but something made get out when I felt myself choking, then I went and took all the mercendol I could find to try and finish the job.
I also took heaps of Panadol on another Occasion I called an ambulance that time, luckily I didn't damage my organs etc.
Then another time when drunk I tried to hang myself at an airport while drunk on a holiday I couldn't afford as I been gambling lots leading up to it. Each time after trying to kill myself I went to some sort of councilling.
After the hanging attempt I found a councillor and hypnotherapy really effective tool. I did it that time because I couldn't propose untill I knew I could quit so I didn't inflict this life on my wife. There was a stage at this period where I couldn't remember a day for about the last 5 years where I hadn't gambled except maybe Xmas day. I also told my defacto half way through this treatment that my gambling was a problem but I'd quit which I had, I never told her I've tried to kill myself in the in the past though. I told her I couldn't marry her while I was an addict that's why I started treatment. We have been together since I was 23.

Anyway 3 kids later and after successfully reducing almost quitting for a period of a few years I had a massive relapse after a workers Comp injury, the injury timing was horrible it was just before about to be offered an excellent high paying role in another company. ( a job where I would earn money 4-5 times more than the average income) I had to withdraw my application after I was unable walk or move properly for months and was on restricted duties. being physically incapacitated and fighting with workcover and the negative mindset really drove me to gambling. It snowballed like crazy then I gained access to some money that wasn't mine to spend.
This time I owe a lot. I earn really good money but not enough to cover this by the time the person needs it, another reason why I probably got in more debt trying to win back the losses.
Suicide isn't really an option because I don't want to stuff up my kids lives, but I'm worth a lot more dead than alive unfortunately. My wife also has good earning potential so it's not like we'll be broke for ever when/if I can stop. the suicidal thoughts have been there a lot, one because I couldn't see my injury symptoms abating( which they seem be improving so slowly though) It was inhibiting me from physical activity like gym ect. And enjoying life over the last 2 years I have become really sedentary and unhappy. Secondlay as I'm worth more dead.
I'm writing all this because I've never really spilled all the details even to councillors. But gambling is horrible, and after sneaking off again tonight to try win an amount that wouldn't even cover what I owe at present.
I also suppose by writing it in a way I'm putting it out there that I plan to quit from tonight.
Maybe I should try this 100 day challenge, or maybe I can get find an awesome and suitable councillor. Maybe I could show my current councillor who's been helping with my pain and anxiety the details I've written here so he's aware what I've been withholding, it's hard to say all this crap in person.
Or possibly maybe some other gamblers/gamblers partners or others might see some of the guilt and anguish that compulsive gamblers go through. Addiction really is an illness and a weakness. It freakin horrible, it worse to know you've hurt and let down others in the process and you've got no way to regain their trust.
You are also reminded when comparing yourself financially at what stage of life you are at to your successful friends. Which before gambling took over I had much closer relationships with, how much you have wasted to this disease over the years. And how many things you haven't done due not having the money as you've gambled it away.
Anyway I suppose this is day 1 of this quitting session. Hopefully the last one.
You might wonder how someone keeps gambling and makes them do it. But I've won $15k multiple times on horses, 10k on keno $10k on pokies and heaps of wins over $5k on pokies and horses.
Once in a quaddie I was a nostil away from a $45k collect on a quaddie in the last leg. These wins and near misses fueled my gambling a win never makes you stop. But each one just enflames it.
Hers to quitting hopefully I can look back at this post and spin out that I was able to beat my urges.

I think I'll keep updating. This has been helpful to write down for myself.
Chunkyquitter
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