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Persuit of Happiness

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Persuit of Happiness

Postby KellBell » Mon Feb 12, 2018 10:06 pm

After spending last Thursday evening putting the majority of my fortnightly wage through the pokies (after bills were paid) only one day after pay day, I finally had a complete brake down. I was at a venue 20 minutes from home. After leaving with only $20 left in my bank account and zero winnings, I got in my car and just cried and screamed at myself for the entire drive “Why have you done this to yourself again?” “You’re a comple failure” “WHY, WHY, WHY????” Not a single family member or friend knew about my out of control gambling addiction. Instead of pulling up at home and crying myself to sleep like I had done so many times in the past, I drove around to my parents place instead. I hadn’t planned on doing so but thankfully, I was completely numb. I feel as though someone or something had overcome me and made me drive there instead as if to say “enough is enough.” It was shortly after midnight when I pulled into my parents driveway and they had already been asleep. I was completely inconsolable and could barely even catch my breath. This was also something that I hadn’t done in the past in regards to my gambling addiction as I would have usually just beaten myself up about it and suffered in silence whilst, all whilst trying to make sense of how I had gotten myself to this point again and again after promising myself again and again that I would quit.
Mum parents were obviously worried sick at this point as they didn’t know why I was in such a state. I remember that they kept saying “what is wrong?? Just take a deep breath and tell us what’s wrong.” I was repeating over and over “I hate myself and I dont want you guys to hate me too.” Eventually after lots of reassurance that they could never hate me no matter what, I made my confession. “I have a severe gambling addiction and I don’t know what to do!” I think they were shocked and weren’t expecting me to say that was what was wrong. They didn’t say much to begin with other than “Shhh... it’s going to be okay“ and they both just cuddled me until I calmed down. They then asked some questions which I answered and did some more reassuring.” At this point I was completely exhausted and said that I just wanted to go home to bed.
Confessing this evil addiction to my parents was without a doubt, one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do but four days later, I am so grateful for whatever it was that had finally gavin me the strength and courage to actually drive over there and to confess to them at that hour of the night as a complete spare of the moment decission. I know that if I had or planned to go to tell them, for example “I will go over there for dinner on Sunday night and tell them” that I would have chickened out every time.

I am so, so glad that I have now taken the most difficult and important step of all and confessed. I am extreamly determined and excited to beat this absolutely awful, life changing and soul crushing addiction, once and for all. Wish me luck for my new journey towards recovery and more importantly, the re-persuit of my happiness.

*Apologies for such a long post!
**Also, a massive thank you to everyone who has already shared their story on these forums as they have helped me a lot already.

KellBell. Xo
-Day 4 gamble free 😊
KellBell
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Re: Persuit of Happiness

Postby Mona58 » Mon Feb 12, 2018 10:30 pm

Hugs KellBell'

Welcome to the GH forums. Thanks for sharing your story . Congratulations on 4 days and getting the courage to tell your parents!

All the best things will happen on your journey henceforth .

I still read posts after 121 days GF! They Keep me strong.

Mona
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
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Re: Persuit of Happiness

Postby Dave68 » Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:02 pm

That's a brave thing to do, and probably one of the best things to do in your journey to remove the gambling demon from your life. I had hidden my gambling, well certainly the losses i had incurred doing it for many years, and it was only after i stopped that i really released that information to my parents.

But for you do to that now, you have two powerful allies to help you stay the course. It also shares the anguish that you have been holding in, it's a helpful thing to have someone in your corner. And your reaction in crying and berating yourself, that's so like my reactions too. But it was only after about 28 years of gambling did i eventually get the power to cast away the gambling demon.

You have made some great choices in the last few days, and being on here will help a lot too, we all have had our problems and indeed still do in many cases. But rest assured, once you are able to free yourself from the clutches of gambling, your life will improve. Slowly it may be, but it will take a turn for the better for sure.
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Re: Persuit of Happiness

Postby JinxyWolf » Tue Feb 13, 2018 7:56 pm

Hi KellBell and Welcome,

How great it is to see you take that big step and admit you need help, big Congrats on that. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you can't do this on your own, so know that you have to strength to take this journey and be successful. It's a long road but take it from someone who is almost 12 months gamble free it is so worth it.

Remember to learn on those close to you when you need to and don't be afraid to reach out the either this forum or a councellor if you feel like your getting overwhelmed. Sometime we have to swallow our pride and lean on those we trust. This doesn't mean we are weak it simply means we have acknowledge we can't do this on our own and need a hand, that takes real courage.

So be well and stay strong...

JinxyWolf
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