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Payday blues...

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Re: Payday blues...

Postby Mona58 » Sat Dec 23, 2017 9:35 am

Thank you so much Jeddie! Was a wonderful feeling to open my post and see that!

70 bloody days! Yipee!

Reflecting on Yesterday

l had arrived at my station early 15 minutes to spare before op shop opened... SO then that silent demonic voice said "oh come and see me I got good cuppacino its' only $20"... I'd walked past a nice little cafe I had always wanted to go into ... walked back ... ordered a latta (how posh coffee in a glass) mouth drooling at the cakes... I'd picked a fruit flan (I think that Is what those are called)... $8.20. I thought of all of you as I sat and ate. Then off to work I go...

I'd come home-. pack and wrapped parcel for two elder grandsons -. $50 each, Chocs each, A tin of Chocs to share and a packet of water balloons for son & daughter in law ... then off I go again to post office... paid express $17.40 ... did not for a moment bother me ...

Walking pass D. Den 2.. I remembered the doggy do out front... went to ATM ... nice balance . Then off to supermarket brought Fruit galore... raspberries' blue berries, strawberries , watermelon , rock melon (cantaloupe!) oranges, apples, bananas among other things for Christmas breakfast (littlest grandson loves fruit). Gosh had to hold back Not because of gambling but because I had to cart it home and I was exhausted! I'd had to sit half way and that was between the two venues...

... How different it was not to gamble... the memory is fading... On rest of way home walking pass D-Den 1 there was a lady having a smoke at the door. "You poor thing" I thought Then my eyes drifted to the time on the door 8am-4am. That is when I saw myself jn there at 8am on pay days... 70 days ago! --.My trolley felt so much heavier then ... Forget oesteoarthritis or tennis elbow Mona.. think Biceps!

Reading posts of new comers here... l spent a bit of time googling last night... I'd forgotten most of it but it really helps soothe a lot of thoughts that threatened. Beyond blue is a good website to visit.

Is that the time already? I better get started on the hedgehogs... jam drops... and the Bundt cake.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
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Re: Payday blues...

Postby little_fish » Sat Dec 23, 2017 11:06 am

So great, Mona. Happy Xmas. :)
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Re: Payday blues...

Postby JinxyWolf » Sat Dec 23, 2017 9:13 pm

Hey Mona,

Just popping in to say Hi, So Hi ;) ,

Big Congrats on day 70 that's great.

Wishing you a Merry Gamble Free Christmas :cool: :cool: :cool:

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Re: Payday blues...

Postby Mona58 » Sun Dec 24, 2017 6:57 pm

Thanks Jinky... Merry Christmas and thanks for your support!



l had a terrible incident of the urge today! I'd gone to stepmothers and ...... (too personal to put here). On train home pokies thoughts ... urges...... I'm finding it hard to put in words! I was practically holding back tears and found it hard to keep my mind focused on this wonderful book l am currently reading. 70 days... that's 10 weeks Mona l kept telling myself . The F'en (excuse my French) thought said just go this once and don't say anything ... 70 days... 10 weeks don't be so stupid Mona!... By time I got home...my Whole head...neck ... chest was practically plusating!
Thank god my neighbour popped in SO I just let it all out... feeling OK now... empty... so bloody relieved!
I'd never ever would have excepted such strong urge after this long... The first weeks yes .. remembering my first shopping trip pass the D-Dens. I'd never forgotten that urge. Now this one! Oh! Gosh! I'm so SO SO glad I didn't give in!

l don't really know what to think.... this urge being as strong makes me think they'll get stronger next ..-where yesterday I'd thought they'd fade because that little lure on Friday morning didn't affect me like todays...


Mona in day 71 G F ....
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
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Re: Payday blues...

Postby JinxyWolf » Sun Dec 24, 2017 9:13 pm

Hey Mona,

Just read your post and thought I'd just put in my five cents.

I know it's frustrating to be 70 days in and then all of a sudden a massive urge hits you out of nowhere, it makes you wonder if they will ever go away, the good news is they will, you are not destined to be stuck in this cycle forever. My first councellor told me it takes a good 6 months for our gambling brain to rewire itself and begin to get back to normal. These urges you are having is your brain screaming for the adrenaline rush it used to get from gambling. This will pass and you'll be all the stronger for it. This is the time when you really have to dig your heels in and remember why you quit in the first place and take it one day at a time.

I myself have been a little restless the last couple of weeks, with Christmas and New Year Eve. I think it's just a tough time of year, with so much else going on, we have to take care not to let it all overwhelm us. I'm giving up my access to cash, now that all the presents have been bought, just to be safe. I know that NYE is a big trigger for me so better safe than sorry.

So take care of yourself...

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Re: Payday blues...

Postby Mona58 » Sun Dec 24, 2017 9:46 pm

Thank you so much Jinky!

That is worth more than 5 cents! Much much more!

I've been reading Pamela's thread... and thinking how the morning was really good. How I'd brought a cuppacino and croissant (shh... chocolate!) at the station ... something I'd not been able to do during gambling days... Enjoying reading again and not constantly being angry with myself...

I find it helps to read here... than to let my own thoughts rage....
and I guess that "demon" is always going to test us...
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
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Re: Payday blues...

Postby Mona58 » Mon Dec 25, 2017 7:24 am

MERRY CHRISTMAS to everyone!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
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Re: Payday blues...

Postby DFP » Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:16 am

Congratulations Mona on making it past 70 days. And great to read how this Christmas is different for you, as you now have money to spend on treats. I also find that urges continue to come - and it is hard to resist (especially when my guard is down, and I'm congratulating myself on doing so well, and that I am a changed man etc etc). This is the riskiest time (staying quit!). This is the nature of this awful disease we have to fight.
Happy Christmas and let's keep going into a great New Year!!!
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Re: Payday blues...

Postby Mona58 » Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:45 am

Re: No other addiction calls you a winner Day 3

by DFP » Tue Dec 26, 2017 9:08 am ...Very true FG. The other difficulty I find is that 'the disease speaks to you in your own voice'. It is my own voice that tells me to gamble, to have a go with only $20, that it will be different this time etc. So I have to fight my own voice to overcome the urges - which I find hard. I now try to call out "that's the gambling voice in me" - but it can be hard to distinguish when there's stress etc.All the very best to all who are quitting this awful disease. I find it a daily battle and I feel it will never go away (it may lessen, but it will never go away).

Hi DFP ... I just read your other post in FG's thread. l copied a pasted it here so I don't lose it. I am still feeling distressed about something stepmother said... and that "gambling voice" in day 71 scared me...
The experience has made me try and remember how it was my first year of sobriety after 15 years in the grip of my alcoholism. That memory has "faded". I know I always have this guard up and it feels permanently up.. BUT its not to say that "voice" is permanently gone.

Having thought so much about it ... I'm now feeling somewhat stronger now.

Thank, you for your post DFP. Happy Christmas to you too. That's the plan to keep 2018 Gamble Free... one day at a time .. as our saying goes.

Mona in day 73 GF ...
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
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Re: Payday blues...

Postby Mona58 » Tue Dec 26, 2017 4:02 pm

I can't remember a day I'd gone "shopping" on Boxing day! ha ha! It kinda felt good but I had to be really strong not to spend too much. I needed to get paper for the printer and mobile phone credit... I could afford $6 instead I brought a cheaper ream for $3.49! Brought a half live plant for $2 ...a couple tins of Christmas biscuits for $5 and two childrens mugs for $2.50 .... a broken pot for a plant ... l left my cards at home and only had enough cash for what I needed.

Today (day 73) went fast and was good. I think also I benefited from the walk.

Ohh a new duster... my old one has worn thin during gambling days... I'm really attached to this micro duster its all white and fluffy! and only cost $3 ... ha ha.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
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