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My 28 year pokies affair

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My 28 year pokies affair

Postby Wits end » Mon Jul 24, 2017 4:05 pm

I have been addicted to pokies since the age of 18- I am no 46. 1 have tried to stop and have stop on and off but never for long. I even admitted myself into a private hospital program for 3 weeks last year. The last time I put all my pay into the pokies ($1300) was last Fri 21/7. I hate pokies, I want to Never Ever play them again. The are evil, I don't know why I continue to play them over and over again
My husband of 18 years said to me last week and I quote (" There is only one true love in your life and it certainly isn't me")
When he said this to me it really struck a nerve, because that is how it must seem. I don't go anywhere or do anything with my family. I find everything boring plus I never have any money. There is really something wrong with my head.
I wrote a poem about my love affair with the evil monster.

Friday is here and my pay's in the bank
I want to leave work early so I pull rank
Throw on some old jeans and a scrappy old top
Messy hair and no makeup the pokies don't care if I look like an old mop
Jump in the car and the fuel light goes pop
Keep driving, just drive there's no time to stop
Pull up in the car park , l hope my favourite machine is free
Adrenaline pumping open the pub door,oh there you are my darling no one sitting there YIP PEE!!!
I sit down so excited with a big sigh of relief
The first 50 goes in, we are going to win today is my belief
Within a couple of minutes, aghhhhhh I'm under your spell
I feel lucky today so all should go well
The bells and whistles oh I'm in such a trance
Oh free spins YES my machine starts to dance
I win $2000, oh now I will have longer to play
Now do it again quickly I don't want to have to walk away
The person sitting beside says wow take it out and go home
My mind thinks shut up idiot you are starting to moan
How dare you sit there and talk to me
Move away right now and let me be
The hours go by quickly, my mind has been so blank
I can't even remember how many times I've visited the bank
I reach into my purse last $50 note instantly I wake from my trance
Come on you fool machine time for you to dance
As I slide the last 50 into the slot
Can't breathe, can't swallow OMG I've lost the lot
7 days a week I work so hard and in a couple of hours you've taken it all
How dare you do that to me my heart starts to stall
Look now you stupid woman what the heck have you done
My head and body feel nothing I just feel so numb
The walk to the car I can't hear a sound
Just the vibration of my feet thumping the ground
I sit in the car, l have no money what am I going to do
No money for food, and than I remember the car is out of fuel too
Every week I do the same thing when will I learn
Why do I do it, why can't I stop my stomach starts to churn
My mind it is racing,thinking oh no what do I say
How do I tell my husband I've done it again, I've blown all my pay
I make my way home and lay on the lounge
Feeling so sorry for myself for the rest of the week I will be such a grouch
On the outside I look normal and I also look well
The self- hatred, guilt, shame and torture on the inside no- one can tell
This is not the life I dreamed of growning up as a young girl
I was suppose to be happy successful and normal all would be swell
I so wish to end this 28 year love affair with this evil creature
But the evil little devil on my shoulder whispers in my ear come on just ONE more feature
I dream of the day I can free of the curse and live a gambling free life
Wits end
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Re: My 28 year pokies affair

Postby Jerry (facilitator) » Mon Jul 24, 2017 4:35 pm

Hey Wits end,

Fantastic poem. I think many people will be able to relate.

Welcome to the forum.
Jerry (facilitator)
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Re: My 28 year pokies affair

Postby Wits end » Mon Jul 24, 2017 6:56 pm

Have I posted this in the right section
Wits end
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Re: My 28 year pokies affair

Postby Joy » Mon Jul 24, 2017 8:03 pm

Oh my goodness what a great poem. I've no idea what you may look like but as I read it I saw me. Good luck in the future. The journey will be difficult but I've no doubt you're aware of that. The personal struggle comes along with us daily but when I log on to this site, I don't feel so alone. Do you know what I think is truly ironic ....... all the other people pushing that button in their own little world like me it isn't a social thing, just push push push ....... you don't converse or interact .... then the pub shuts or the money runs out, everyone leaves and goes home and eventually logs on here!!

I could have easily been the one sitting next to you, push push push. I am now reprogramming myself. No more pokies, only going to look for activities with a social aspect. Good luck to you and to me and to all of us.
Joy
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Re: My 28 year pokies affair

Postby Wits end » Mon Jul 24, 2017 9:36 pm

Yep it is very anti social. I do not like anyone talking to me. I don't like it when they have their foot up beside the machine that's my lucky spot for my foot. And the only time I every take any money home is when the pub closes and I have to leave. We torture ourselves every time we play them. I know what is going to happen when I play them I just haven't been able to stop. My husband often asks me why. Why do you do it. I just can't explain it I don't know why. I always thought that I was the only one that was so addicted.
Wits end
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Re: My 28 year pokies affair

Postby FamilyFirst » Mon Jul 24, 2017 10:19 pm

Hi Wits End,
Welcome to the forum. I love your poem! So sad but oh so true...
I wish you well with your journey of realisation and recovery.
Try to focus all your energy on yourself your husband, family and friends and you might find there is not much time left for destructive gambling.
Its a hard fight but not one that is impossible. I'm still heavily reliant on my missus looking after all finances after being over 5 months free from pokies. I assume that I or my partner will never be able to trust myself with my wages, that's my own doing so I'll just have to live with that.
It does feel brilliant knowing that when our family needs something or something breaks down we have my hard earned money in the bank, not thrown away mindlessly anymore....
Take care.
Cheers, Lee
FamilyFirst
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Re: My 28 year pokies affair

Postby Dave68 » Mon Jul 24, 2017 11:19 pm

Hi Wits End...it's almost like a mirror for me, seeing and reading your poem. Like you, i started gambling at age 18, and like you at age 46 i too had gambled for 28 years, although being a Victorian half of my poison was the TAB, horses etc, but from about the late 90's....1997 onwards it was pokies, and they would do the same to me. Until after 28 years in 2014 i just had to finally convince my brain to turn off from that intoxicating lure of anticipation and excitement that one feels before going to a venue, and instead think so much about the hurt, the defeatism, the sheer waste of time and money that our spell of sitting in front of a machine that only ever seemed to take our money.

28 years....more than half a lifetime of my working life. Pretty much a mortgage period.....at age 46 i did have a mortgage, having managed to get a home loan withe huge FHBG in 2010, but drowning in credit card debts, a mortgage that was often a month late, and finding myself with everything maxed out and my pay not even covering the repayments. And here i was, feeding these stupid machines!! Madness isn't it, we know we cannot afford to lose our money, we know we need to use it to pay for things we need in life, and we know we work damn hard to earn it....yet we toss it away??

Something i did was suddenly starting to talk to myself, some self-therapy as i drove around doing my deliveries in the morning. It helped that my car radio had ceased, so i had to listen to myself! But i'd do the deliveries, waking up at 3.15am daily, and often the previous night i'd lose $200 or more on pokies, and think to myself...That's two or three of these shifts, to pay for two hours on the machines?? Why do this to myself i wonder? I also would think to myself when i'd go to the shops....a 2 litre carton of milk is four 50c spins on panda, or a couple of $1 bets on a 20 line 5c machine. By doing that it sort of helpd my brain to link money to what it should be doing, not shoving $50's into a slot and watching the credit tally diminish. It's remarkable how we all are sensible and rational enough to work, live a life hiding this from people, yet turn into zombies at the thought of the machines and that ethereal sort of lust for a big win. We also turn into people who will scrounge for change, look for every markdown in the supermarket, scrimp on clothes etc....(it was probably easier for me as i'm single, and have not had a wife or kids to support) but then go ahead and throw $50's into a money chute on a pokie!

But like me, you've reached a point where enough is enough Witsend. You deserve better, your family does, and the work you do to earn your money needs to be respected and somehow say to the machines...NO! You're not getting any more of this. I got angry at the machines, the venues, and myself for letting myself get sucked in like this, to the tune of probably $300K over that 28 years, easily. probably a lot more. When driving past a venue, kind of reaffirm your determination..NO! No longer will you take my money. It's not going to be easy, and from my own experience there's barely a day that goes by that the results of my gambling don't haunt me...people my age (49 now) all pretty much own their houses, have time to go on holidays and get things that are like spoils of a long working life. Me, well i have to forget that, and have to just admit that it's water under the bridge. I know i cannot change what i lost....and it's important to kind of accept that what is lost is gone forever. 28 years of gambling never get me anywhere in front, so that cannot continue.

Lastly a poster who was on here when i started had a little thing where he'd average his losses over previous years to come up with a dollar figure per day, Phoenix i think he was. He the would tally up each day he didn't gamble and it's amazing how rapidly that figure would rise to a substantial sum, money that we no longer lost. That helped me, it might help you too. There's many stories from people just like us, and many of us have been able to reduce or stop gambling, we're al in this together. Have a read through and god luck with your efforts to stop. The first step is the hardest, you have acknowledged the problem, which is the first step to solving it. Best of luck Witsend.
Dave68
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Re: My 28 year pokies affair

Postby pamela » Tue Jul 25, 2017 12:19 am

Hi Witsend. What a great poem..certainly something we all relate to..once you admit to a problem thats the first step..you really have to draw on your willpower to stop.kust as you choose to play the pokies you have to choose not to..enlist the help of your husband .its not too late to start living your life..get off this merrygoround once and for all..good luck
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Re: My 28 year pokies affair

Postby Desperate » Tue Jul 25, 2017 5:55 am

Hi Witsend

I so relate to your poem except that I have stupidly used funds from credit cards as well as my pay. I like Dave68 am now swimming in debt.

Even when I win a large amount it's no good, if I win I lose. I will feel fantastic for a minute and my mind will start racing as to which debt I am going to pay that money off but within a few minutes I am playing again wanting more. And you guessed it, more often than not, I lose all the winnings as well.

For me it has been 23 years and when I think of what it has cost me I go to a very dark place. I could have owned my home. I could have had a nice car. I could have had a holiday - all those things I am continually saying I could not afford. I disgust myself.

I will never own or do those things now, I will be paying back debt forever. I hate the pokies and yet, they are so freakin' difficult to stay away from. If only they had never been introduced to Victoria I would have been leading a very different life because travelling over the border or going to the Casino never interested me. I even moved to a location where I thought there were no pokies but then I found a venue, actually two, within walking distance. They are evil, no other word for it.

I wish you every success in your endeavours to defeat these bast****!!
Desperate
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Re: My 28 year pokies affair

Postby jimi68 » Tue Jul 25, 2017 10:43 am

hello wits end,

You said in your poem "'On the outside I look normal and I also look well,
the self hatred , guilt shame and torture no one can tell."'
I know what you mean.
Sometimes in the venue I wanted to yell out "'you machines are *******!!!!
and then"'Thats another $800 down the drain!!""
But I never do, I'm too polite.
I have gone through whole weeks of feeling bad about having no money.
Its aa very lonely place when you have to bear the burden of your bad feelings on your own.
we want to keep gambling problems secret from others.
you will do a lot of good for yourself if you read about gambling here .
You can learn a lot advise and answers....
answers to questions like...
"'I don't know why I continue to play them over and over again...."'
Some answers here so keep reading other peoples stories.
Well done for taking the time to do something about it ,
by making this poem and putting it here.
al lthe best!
jimi68
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