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my first post ... what the hell am i doing in here?

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my first post ... what the hell am i doing in here?

Postby jimi68 » Sat Jul 08, 2017 12:50 pm

I just had a brainstorm and wrote a lot.. random ideas, bad grammar, sorry... I'm a one finger typist
tried to make it easier to read, anything here you relate to?


Trained to willingly lose, waiting for the feature, allready got you hypnotised for a future outcome and focussed dismissing the significance of each spin because the
next one is now . how much have i lost ?..dont remember, how many spins ? dont remember
go in with 200 maybe
thoughts- maybe i win after risking 100 then i leave with extra..
play 100 small or no feature...
other times i won money back after putting an extra 50 in..
maybe ill risk it ..if nothing happens i at least have 50 left
its happened before...saved at the last minute.. not focussed on whats happening each spin, only on my total CREDITS as they play down
..Oh, a few spins left maybe still win ...last 20 spins starting to get 2 scatters with music and color a few times makes me feel like something is about to happen....
dissapointed feeling but i take final risk as im sure the payback my money feature is about to happen.
last $50 goes in ( I WASNT GOING TO SPEND THIS 50... i know i shouldt.. DONT THINK JUST PUT IT IN)
50 now finished 200 gone....
feel deprived of the win i deserve for 200 risk....
Stuff it.. go to atm another $200 need this for bills but got away with payment extentions before..
i know its wrong but done this before and came out on top... maybe this time?
force myself to detach from logic and reason (denial) DONT THINK ABOUT IT DONT THINK as i go back to put another 50
allmost feel like i just started my visit again..
sometimes win most of the times loose..
leave with nothing....
$1000 bank daily max withdrawn for day ,but if not for THAT i would still keep on .
alcohol...smoke cigarette when get feature..
lucky day playing max bet
I won $600 3 times throuout visit but kept playing because now im loaded i can afford to lose
(play for 4-5 hours)
i just lost 200 i came in with + $1000 (atm) + 3x$600wins + God knows how many during the ups and downs of the normal spins
feel stupid, depressed, lost my credibilty with myself
itl be ok because i get paid again in a fortnight.
then money is ok again
2 weeks later i dont even remember what happened last time
when my money comes in i now have the exciting feeling that i could go and gamble....
now that i have money again i have been cured of my dirty little secret of gambling that i sneak out to do..
remember when as a teen we dared each other to do something we were not supposed to? first smoke, first alcohol drink ,vandalise the neighbors letterbox(bad)
exciting feeling...
I have to work hard with many negative feeling over a few hours on machines(BORE,TIRED, ZONED OUT, SHOULDNT BE HERE, MISS MY APPOINTMENT,HIGHLIGHT OF DAY WAS TO HAVE SMALL THING
LIKE HAIRCUT BUT CANT BCAUSE NO MONEY RESULT- BUY WINE GET PISSED ALONE AT HOME AND SLEEP) pressing button over and over like work...
Just want that full wallet feeling i walked in with but its not happening..
why do i have to work so hard to get what is allready mine???????
SO WHY DO I KEEP TRYING WHEN I KNOW I SHOULD GO HOME?. I THINK THE POKIE MACHINE MENTALITY OF WILLINGLY LOSING BECAUSE THE PAYOFF/FEATURE IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN AND
DETATCHING OUR MIND FROM THE MOMENT, IS CAUSED BY THESE MACHINES TRAINING OUR MINDS. I THINK I APPLY THIS TO THE WHOLE EVENING IE- GOING TO THE ATM $200 WITHDRAWL IS LIKE
WINNING the ATM in the venue becomes a pokie machine that gives my money back.... ITS PART OF THE CYCLE..
BANK STATEMENT for the day
ATM WITHDRAWL $200
ATM WITHDRAWL $200
etc
etc
etc

Also..When i lose it seems to validate some negative beliefs about myself...
Playing down to the last dollar..
THATS JUST MY LUCK..WHY DOES THIS ALLWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?..OTHER PEOPLE WIN...ITS NOT FAIR..I AM A LOOSER
back again next time....maybe this will be different..
THEYVE GOT YOU THE MOMENT YOU WALK IN BECAUSE YOU ARE ALLREADY WILLING TO LOSE WITH EACH INDIVIDUAL BUTTON PRESS. WAITING FOR THAT FEATURE....
jimi68
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Re: my first post ... what the hell am i doing in here?

Postby FamilyFirst » Sun Jul 09, 2017 1:31 pm

Hi jimi68,
Welcome to the forum, thanks for taking the time to post your story.
Well I think you summed up my experiences over the last 17 years... I could have written that word for word. Thanks for reminding me why I now choose not to throw my hard earned money away.
Cheers, Lee
140DaysGF
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Location: South Australia

Re: my first post ... what the hell am i doing in here?

Postby jimi68 » Mon Jul 10, 2017 9:19 pm

Thanks family first for your comment.
I feel encouraged by everything I read in these forums.
I guess I'm now a member of a special club
like a secret society (the illuminati)
We could call ourselves the gamblinati and have our own secret handshakes...... ha! ha!
When I'm out and about, I wonder who else is a member? maybe the bus driver....hhhhmmmm
maybe the checkout chick in kmart.....
Feels good to know I'm not alone.
:)
jimi68
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Re: my first post ... what the hell am i doing in here?

Postby JinxyWolf » Mon Jul 10, 2017 9:54 pm

Hi Jimi68 and Welcome,

Yes, it's a great feeling when we finally realize we are not alone. No longer do we have to face this challenge alone, sobbing in the corner, hiding in the shadows. We can finally reach out, get help and support from those who are battling the same demon, this addiction that takes so much from us.
Hearing other peoples stories that so closely mirror our own.

Stay strong and be well...

JinxyWolf
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Re: my first post ... what the hell am i doing in here?

Postby blastoise (facilitator) » Wed Jul 12, 2017 2:09 pm

Hey Jimi68,

Welcome to GH Forum and thanks for sharing a detailed experience of what gambling represents to you. You'll find a supportive and respectful group of people on here also affected by gambling, and with struggles and successes to change.

As mentioned by the others, I think it's great you have sought some support - what do you think you need to stop? What has worked well in the past for you?

Cheers and welcome
Blastoise
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Re: my first post ... what the hell am i doing in here?

Postby Bigw » Thu Jul 13, 2017 12:56 am

First time on here, first post I read and felt like your story is exactly mine. Little comfort to know I'm not alone but also feel sadden that it happens to you too (and probably 1000 more). My first day in I do t know know how long I haven't gone into a venue. The withdrawals is keeping me awake. The past 2 hours I've Kate's in bed thinking of ways to go to the venue down the road that's open to 4am. Leaving my husband and kids in bed asleep. The reasoning, excuses that I can come up with scared me into joining tonight. I didn't realise how bad it gotten until tonight 😪. I am fortunate I had recognised I was addicted before I started going into debt. A scare at Christmas reaching max withdrawals. I found perfect moderation for a while. But it has slipped back now. 1 day of saying no to myself and I'm a mess!! Where to now!!? I have never had a problem 🙁 I am the one that helps everyone else, I feel so alone and unsure on who to ask help. I so use to being the 'strong' one. My pride/ego in that. Where to now 😢
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Re: my first post ... what the hell am i doing in here?

Postby Jerry (facilitator) » Thu Jul 13, 2017 10:18 am

Hi Bigw,

You wanted to know who to ask for help? This forum is a good place to start, many people also find counselling helpful. Both the forum and counseling can be done anonymously, so nobody need to know that you are getting help. There are free gambling counselors in most areas and you can get in contact with one by calling the helpline (1800 858 858, 24/7). The helpline is a great first point of contact and while actually calling someone can be scary, it can be a great way to work out the best way for you to tackle gambling.

Have a read through the posts, see what sorts of things have helped other people and try them all.

Welcome to the forum.
Jerry (facilitator)
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Re: my first post ... what the hell am i doing in here?

Postby jimi68 » Thu Jul 13, 2017 10:37 am

hey bigw,
Sometimes being the STRONG is asking for help when we cant beat it ourselves.
welcome to the forum.
you said ''1 day of saying no to myself.. and I'm a mess''
Maybe after a few more days you wont be thinking about it as much
but remember you wont lick this by going in and gambling....
I gambled regularly for 10 years and mostly because I'm single, it never affected anyone else so I didn't think it a problem.
That behavior however deeply ingrained into my mind a whole range of gambling behaviors which are now PROGRAMMED in my mind
that come into play when I rationally don't want them anymore.
I relate to your story about thinking about gambling and thinking through ways to organize the day so we can do it ( when we know we shouldn't)
our brains has been tricked into valuing the gambling experience as high priority.
Even when in our rational minds we know its not true..
I get the thought to go to the pokies at all kinds of times.
Sometimes I thought about it for hours...
I have a few personality factors that I think make this worse..
I can be obsessive
I often feel anxiety normaly
i have a very vivid imagination
I'm a worrier and often find thoughts hard to switch off

I stated to get help only a few weeks ago..
First I found gamblers help
and other websites lots of information (I study it a bit like a student)I look every day
..then I organized to see gambling councillor
Someone to talk to and give me ideas and feel like I have done something.
Just go and see what its like...mine turned out good.. if not ask to see another person..
they can help you identify your triggers and challenge your thinking if its working against you.
FOR EXAMPLE-
I have identified a few important thing for myself...in this process
One being that I have POOR IMPULSE CONTROL once I'm in the venue, and it is extremely difficult for me to stop once inside(my thinking process/values change)
so I have decided for me JUST DONT GO IN.
MY STRATEGY- STOP AT THE DOOR, TURN MY LEGS AROUND, WALK AWAY , LET MY MIND CATCH UP LATER.
ive written on a card and read daily to brainwash myself
ive even practiced doing that by approaching a venue randomly just so I could think that and walk away
so far that's working for me..
The point I'm making is that help and EMPOWERING YOUSELF with tools that work for you can come with help from others.
Our solutions may be different
It can be really difficult to work it out ourselves.
You have done the strong and responsible thing by searching for the answers
and like me I'm sure you will find some if you keep looking.
jimi68
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Re: my first post ... what the hell am i doing in here?

Postby jimi68 » Fri Jul 14, 2017 9:02 am

hey bigW,
Consider starting
another post from scratch on the main page and telling you story. more people will see it , and people who are interested in you can find you straight away.
People that skip jimi68 will miss seeing your story.
You are soooo welcome to post here anytime! if that's what you want.
but I worry that as I respond to questions about me, your stuff might get lost in the conversation as the subject changes
jimi68
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Joined: Fri Jun 16, 2017 10:14 am

Re: my first post ... what the hell am i doing in here?

Postby jimi68 » Fri Jul 14, 2017 11:12 am

thanks ALL for your posting here.
Blastoise you asked.
"What do you think you need to stop?'
I HAVE COME TO A FEW CONCLUSIONS
Once in the venue playing its extremely difficult for me to stop.(my thinking changes)
I know
that If I DONT GO IN..... I wont gamble
I need to work out how to address the craving thoughts and temptation feelings I get that gets me in there.

also..(MAJOR REVELATION) I have decided that losing money is not the indicator I have a problem, because when money is ok again(payday) I no longer feel I have a problem.
pain=problem, no pain= no problem.
in the future when I get money again ie- find employment I will feel like theres no problem and get the urge to go again.
Therfore I have to plan in advance how to respond to this thought.
so I'm practicing for it now. (gambling is a problem for me whether I am doing it or not)

Tell you a story (sorry I do talk too much some times)
I realized that I do everything super fast....
I press the button to bypass the winning music so I can get next spin now ..don't want to wait..
even play 2 machines at same time
allways trying to get to this winning feature that's about to happen
NOT ENGAGED IN THE MOMENT (DISMISSING IT) BUT ON A FUTURE OUTCOME.
NOT LIVING NOW THIS MOMENT BUT INSTEAD FOR THIS EXCITING SOMETHING ELSE...
so I decided on an experiment.....
Normally I take in $200..
I will take in $60 and I am going to play as SLOW as possible and notice what is really happening in the NOW moment
WHEN I Say slow I mean sloooooooow.. like 60 seconds between each spin
So I put In note... wait....wait... look around. at machine.....wait..wait... .now press button, watch spin, take finger of,f sit back look at result.
think slowly about it... 60 second later press again..
When I played the first time all those years ago even $10 was precious to me and I was not impressed that I was loosing even that.
Today I am like a scientist examining pokie play and collecting data.
press again to see what happens...
pretty boring.. money finished, no feature win but also feel detached from my normal fantasizing when playing
I get up and take a sloooow look around (normally I'm running for the door)
look at these things... nothing for me here (why look for something here that's not here in the moment)
dead machines.....Lifeless.....,not doing anything
they only get meaning when I give it to them by engaging myself with them
feel bored but not guilty for once.
If I had never gambled how would I see this activity ?
that's the view I want to have about theses things.
look aound and watch other people playing..
look around at machines like I'm taking a last look before I say goodbye..
Take my time don't rush long slooow look around.
Feel like leaving... delay that thought...force myself to stand there for longer
soaking it in... nothing for me here.....
I leave feeling good and in CONTROL
I want this to be the lasting way I feel about them.
That was the LAST time I played pokies
that was only a 6 days ago.
I want that to remain my final experience
so I'm not going back
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
However that doesn't mean problem solved.
Still get random urge few times a day
Don't want to undo my hard work here....
Got to equip with tools that address that..
If I can keep out of venue and also successfully respond to cravings I will be ok.
So for me its about DELAYING my response to craving that I know I'm going to still get...
I havnt a chance yet to share this story with anyone yet
so writing it here is a way for me to reinforce it to myself
I feel good that someone would read this
thank you
jimi68
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