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starting the challenge today

The 100 Day Challenge is a program where you set your goals - reduce your gambling or stop gambling altogether, it's up to you. Log onto the 100 Day Challenge website to follow the real stories of four Australians trying to give up gambling for inspiration and get the tools and support you need to find the real you. Click here to sign up, and post about your own challenge here on the Gambling Help Online Community Forum!


Re: starting the challenge today

Postby Joy » Tue Aug 29, 2017 6:05 pm

It was just weird not checking in. I'm probably getting too used to the routine of checking in.......... At least it is a safer mode of behaviour, and I'll lose nothing. I hope it doesn't happen again but if it does, I'll try what you did. :) Thanks
Joy
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Re: starting the challenge today

Postby Charlotte (facilitator) » Thu Aug 31, 2017 2:55 pm

Hey Joy, well done - sounds like you're making great progress. One day at a time!!

Charlotte :)
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Re: starting the challenge today

Postby Joy » Thu Aug 31, 2017 7:18 pm

Sorry Charlotte,. No great progress here. I reached a new low last night and have felt utterly disgusted with myself all day. I started to write a new topic in the forum because I didn't want to be the person I am here. A whole series of failures ..... just wanted to start a new thread and begin again.

I thought better of it in the end. We can't change what we've done but I can keep trying to change for the future, and I do want to change, I really do. I feel undeserved of all the well wishes people have posted me. I want to be someone else.

Here's how yesterday panned out. I'm on a strict budget of cash only for weekly expenses and that has been working well. I had $ 50.00 left over and had to get petrol and milk. Instead of putting it all in the car I put in $20.00, got the milk ..... went to the pokies. It was a quick decision based on a niggle that I had all day. (I guess that's the subconscious urge eh) ... anyway, what damage could I do with $ 30.00.

Needless to say it was gone before my cigarette was out and I was left feeling bereft. I HADN'T FINISHED. The machine was going to pay!!! IT WAS !!!
And that was when I did the unthinkable. The E Saver account linked to my grocery card had money in it, but it wasn't mine. It is my sisters and she asked me to hold it for her. She has recently retired and it is for a trip she wants to take in the future. (She doesn't want her hubby to know about it. Apparently that's quite common in marriage??)

So I transferred some of her money on my phone, pulled it out and kept playing. I though nothing of it last night. I knew I could transfer from my account and replace it today (which I've done). It wasn't until I was home I realised what I'd actually done. Never, never, never in my life have I taken or used what didn't belong to me. And I used it to gamble.

I've since moved all of that money into my locked account so it can never happen again but it still did. I'm now asking myself what sort of person am I that I could do that. It never occurred to me that I might tempted to help myself to that money ..... even if it was for a night only. What's next ..... is the work petty cash tin at risk of robbery.

I watched that movie "Going for Broke" that someone posted about a couple of weeks ago so I guess it can happen. I don't know what to do any more. What a shameful thing to do and do without thinking. Remorse doesn't make me feel any better. I finally got to sleep last night but woke up with panic attacks a couple of times through the night. Maybe it doesn't sound like a big deal as it was always going to be replaced online today but it was a line cross that I never saw coming.

I am determined to beat this though. I'm not the person I thought I was or the one I wanted to be. ......... yet .... but I will be. Day one again for me though (well, nearly day two really)
Joy
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Re: starting the challenge today

Postby DFP » Thu Aug 31, 2017 8:25 pm

Hi Joy
I admire your honesty in describing and facing up to what you have done. Honesty is important as this disease encourages you to be a liar, and to justify behaviour in order to allow you to repeat and do again. After a bust my mind works overtime in justification. Your description of how you felt today resonates with me from my past busts. So I think it is important that you are disgusted with your behavior and called out that you don't want to be a person who does that again. Use the bust to firm up your strategies, and although day 1 again is disappointing, you will be stronger now in fighting urges. Best wishes.
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Re: starting the challenge today

Postby Jerry (facilitator) » Wed Sep 06, 2017 2:34 pm

Hi Joy,

If you had to do that day over again, what else could you have done with that $30?
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Re: starting the challenge today

Postby Joy » Wed Sep 06, 2017 6:34 pm

Hi Jerry,

Definitely would have put it in the car .... filled her up! Still, a very valuable lesson was learned. Since I have no one depending on me I have been able to pretty much gamble without any repercussions to anyone but myself. Locking my money away and cash restricting was a good thing. I never gave any thought to the other money I could access. ... There was no no penalty, no foul as I could easily transfer online and cover it. ..... It just never occurred to me I might even do it. Complete surprise !!!!!!. It was not premeditated and totally spur of the moment opportunistic because I was in the venue.

Shouldn't have been there.

It got me to thinking later though, what if I couldn't cover it...... Would I have still used it? I watched the movie Shaun linked us to "Going For Broke" and I'm sure these people who find themselves trapped and using money they have no right to didn't start off that way. There was a line that got crossed early on and went unnoticed. I think I saw my line. Time to get serious, pull my head in really see what I could become. .... I will stop.

I've locked up all cash now. I'm feeling quite optimistic strangely. Day 7 today. Feeling good :) Thanks to you and also DFP for the feedback.
Joy
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Re: starting the challenge today

Postby jimi68 » Wed Sep 06, 2017 9:37 pm

Hey joy,
Gambling often gets us crossing the line where we would never have before.
but that's because the addiction is influencing our thinking and it can be very devious in all the little ways it tries to get us to gamble...
I don't believe it represents our true character as people when we gamble
as our brains have been hijacked
you said
"'I am determined to beat this though. I'm not the person I thought I was or the one I wanted to be. ......... yet .... but I will be. "'

you do good to feel ashamed it shows who you really are and that the real you that wonderfull, loving,intelligent ,creative person that you really are is
still who you are- its just been pushed aside abit as your gambling alter ego takes over...
When the gambling urge is gone there will be nothing to stifle the real you from shining through
You are allreaady that person it just been muffled by gaamblingss scream to bee satisfied
which has never been your identity...
You don't have to become what you already are....
you just have to quiet the false voice of gaambling
and then youl be free to be your true self...
jimi68
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Re: starting the challenge today

Postby Joy » Thu Sep 07, 2017 6:27 pm

Ahhh Jimi............., you can always make me feel good. What a lovely way of looking at things you have. Each persons journey is certainly different isn't it. I'm glad you're still part of the forum. .... I'm not much of a talker myself but I always enjoy reading your posts and your insights.

Please know that the positive things you just said have cheered me up no end. I've got a massive grin on my face and a can do attitude. I'm off to cook some dinner now and I may well STRUT around the kitchen whilst I cook.

Take care. Stay gambling free :) Joy
Joy
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Re: starting the challenge today

Postby Joy » Sat Sep 16, 2017 7:40 am

Hi all,

Day 17 of round three. I've dropped the ball twice since joining the site but this time will be different. I should be good for another week then based on past performance the demons will kick in again. This time though I will not weaken. I'm ready for them. Cash is still locked out of my life and I know when I hit the 3 weeks plus mark GF I am more vulnerable.

I will be knuckling down the demon and will be so so happy when I'm 1 month + as I think it may be a milestone for me. A couple more weeks and I will consider it a real achievement. Certainly not the end of the problem but a real milestone I can keep building on.


Just need to keep the bat at the crease and the finger off the button and the body out of the venue. Sound easy if you type it fast enough doesn't it.

Good luck to everyone. .... I won't be relying on luck myself though, just going to work really really hard this time and keep clocking up GF time. Here's to a rosy future to all of us.

PS: The news lately has been helping me. News.com.au has been running a series on gambling and pokies lately which I have been following. It has been keeping me grounded reading the various stories of the people they have interviewed.

Take care all. Joy
Joy
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Re: starting the challenge today

Postby Stacey knox » Sat Sep 16, 2017 3:02 pm

Hi my name is Stacey and this is the start of my recovery. I'm going to take the leap and start the 100 day challenge.
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