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This time it feels like I really can do this

The 100 Day Challenge is a program where you set your goals - reduce your gambling or stop gambling altogether, it's up to you. Log onto the 100 Day Challenge website to follow the real stories of four Australians trying to give up gambling for inspiration and get the tools and support you need to find the real you. Click here to sign up, and post about your own challenge here on the Gambling Help Online Community Forum!


Re: This time it feels like I really can do this

Postby Kim » Thu May 18, 2017 8:02 am

Thank you so much Pamela. Your words always encourage me. I really wish that I could feel repulsed by the machines..I hope I can get to that point. I think I need to read read read again. Since Saturday I'm gf 5 days. But I can feel thoughts in my head that are not good. The funny thing is I really don't feel I'm going back but in the 49 days gf I had the most minimal thoughts of gambling abs they had no power but this week now and then they come in. And are a bit stronger. I know why. Because I won on Saturday. So it's my brain tricking me into thinking its always like that. And I know full well it is not!!! Yet still my brain is playing tricks. I think once I get over this initial 20 days along with ALOT of reading about the evils of the machines I will be back on track. This is why we shouldn't dabble! It seems to undo some of the good work. Struggling a bit here. But the fact I'm writing this and I feel insightful speaks a lot. I've never really been this honest about these feelings I get before so I think it's a good sign. Thank you so much Blastoise and Deb. Both of your posts really made me feel so much stronger and made me stop being quite so hard on myself. I know you both understand what I'm going through very well!!! Xxx
Kim
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Re: This time it feels like I really can do this

Postby pamela » Thu May 18, 2017 9:01 am

Hi Kim..you are right in what you say about our brain thinking of the win and thats why we have to retrain it to remember all the times we lose.thats what you have to do..remember the bad times.when you get an urge to play remember the losses and how you felt.if you get an urge,phone the gambling help line and talk to someone till the urge passes or a friend or a family member..there is no pleasure in gambling as the losses always outweigh the wins..keep strong
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Re: This time it feels like I really can do this

Postby Jerry (facilitator) » Thu May 18, 2017 11:13 am

Hi Kim,

What separates successful quitters from the unsuccessful is the ability to learn from mistakes. You are clearly learning. Everybody has slip ups, but not everybody learns from them. You have had a lapse, but you have thought deeply about it and are learning. You noticed that you can't even dabble as if you win the urges come back stronger. This is a lesson that takes many people a long time to learn.

So welcome back to being gambling free, this time just a little bit wiser.

You can do this.
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Re: This time it feels like I really can do this

Postby Kim » Thu May 18, 2017 5:26 pm

This is all such good advice and I truly believe it. Yep I do feel that I have learnt from this lapse. I'm really sure that I am retraining my brain since 6th April. I am definitely different this year. The last few years I didn't realise it at the time but I just never really wanted to give up.even though I kept starting the challenge over and over. Things are still so much better in my life even with this latest slip up.
Kim
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Re: This time it feels like I really can do this

Postby Debra » Thu May 18, 2017 7:43 pm

I honestly think the fantasy of it will always be there for me.
Part of me still doesn't want to give up, but I know I can't go because I have no control over it once I start.
It's tough because for people like us it's been such a long addiction it's part of us, if that makes sense.
I remember other times when I had quit, the first time I lapsed, I always won and then the cycle would begin again.
I'm so proud of you, please don't be hard on yourself, I know you can beat this.
It just takes a lot of time, I still have to be careful. But I know you have it in you to keep going.
Thank you for your honesty, it's proof you're moving forward.
Love deb xxx
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Re: This time it feels like I really can do this

Postby 1dayatatime » Fri May 19, 2017 8:40 pm

Hey Kim,


Its a BUGGER you didnt hit the 50, but thats all it needs to be....a BUGGER!!

I read back on the posts where you mentioned that you feel like you have let us down.....well I would just like to say how awesome you are for taking it on the chin and moving on with LIFE.

I have much respect for those who can admit to being human.....haha......good thing is were all still here for you.

Smile and enjoy tomorrow, then the next and the next

D.
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Re: This time it feels like I really can do this

Postby Kim » Mon May 22, 2017 5:05 pm

Thanks Deb..thanks D. Kinda feel like it's just all a bit of a struggle again. My mind is playing so much with me. I am at 9 days but on Saturday I just wanted to gamble. Thankfully circumstances made it impossible. There was 1 venue close to me and I was self excluded. Thank God for self exclusion it really works. I was so thankful for it come Sunday and I felt safe. No probs during the week
Its the weekends that are playing havoc with my mind. At least I have safeguards in place. But you know when you feel like what do I have to do become a hermit..only visit suburbs or towns where I'm self excluded??? I so wish I had that strength back that I had the first 48 days from 6th April..I was so strong and it's like that 1 gambling episode has put these damn little devils on my shoulder urging me to do the wrong thing!😔 I have to remember what Pamela wrote a bit earlier when I spoke about my lapse 2 weekends ago..must get back into my head all of those bad times..all the horrific horrible times when I was full of despair walking out of a venue..in shock at what I had just done..having fed hundreds through a machine usually..thinking to myself why did I do that..thinking about how with the money ihad lost in one session could have bought a new lounge suite or new vacuum or new mattress. New fridge..paid some bills..new winter boots..and clothes..all things that I have missed out on for years now due to gambling. And things are already better financiallyet...far better. This is a kim self pep talk i guess..thanks anyone that's read and understood.
Kim
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Re: This time it feels like I really can do this

Postby Kim » Mon May 22, 2017 6:34 pm

I've thought more since my last post this afternoon. I'm going on about how with the huge losses I could have bought a lounge etc etc..jeez I couldn't even afford to buy myself decent groceries for a long time when my gambling was at its worst..that is even worse in ways to think of. Every item had to be thought about and dissected just so I could get the basic necessities. Can i afford this grade of mince or that one? Can I get the $1.60 250ml of milk and will it last me instead of the 2 litre one for $2 at Coles because obviously $2 for 2 litres is better value but did I have the extra 40 cents..maybe not. How bad is that?? . Going to lunch with workmates?? Forget it most of my pay was gone by Friday of pay week..2 days after being paid.. By then it was already panic stations not just about bills but the credit cards that had been overdrawn. And all this time trying to hide this horror from everyone. Partner..friends..family..the amount of times I had to postpone a lunch date with my best friend that i love dearly on the weekend with some trumped up excuse. No money to go out or to put the petrol in the car to get there. This is therapeutic to get this out and is helping to motivate me. I don't have to think for very long and I could go on and on about the negative and sad experiences. Bleh..whereas the past few weeks I'm only seeing improvement and saying yes to lunches and not analysing every little bit of money spent at Coles or Woolies and the world is becoming a big Yes for me whereas with gambling its a big fat No to living a decent life. Looking back at this relatively recent way of living I really don't know how I did it and I do not want to go back to that ever. It feels like that was not even me doing those things. I suppose this post sounds negative bit its actually really positive. I couldn't even recognise this while it was happening. I knew.it was bad but it's as though I couldn't realise that stopping gambling would help. Bizarre because it's like its right in my face this knowledge now but then I was so lost and in a fog. I didn't want to stop even though I knew it was damaging me terribly. So I think I have come a long way lately to even be able to reflect and see the crap for what it was. Sorry to ramble on and on..it just is like a flood sometimes! I'm sure it's normal.
Kim
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Re: This time it feels like I really can do this

Postby blastoise (facilitator) » Wed May 24, 2017 2:48 pm

Hi Kim!

It sounds like you are gaining valuable insight by being able to discuss and put your thoughts down here. What I think is great to see you change from being a 'no' person to a 'yes' person more. This is a space for you to think and write down all those thoughts in your head, so use it! You are doing well on an incredibly difficult journey.

Blastoise
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Re: This time it feels like I really can do this

Postby Debra » Thu May 25, 2017 12:16 pm

Honestly Kim, it's like reading my own story when I read your posts. Everything you say resonates with me, I've lived it, and still am.
It's such a hard addiction to break and I still have 2 credit cards and a loan hanging over my head from my gambling, but after 15 months of being gamble free, I finally got a new bed. It's something I've been dreaming of for over 5 years. So that's one small victory, but I won't be debt free for at least 5 more years.
Money is still tight but I don't have to weigh up between shampoo or milk and bread anymore, or even stealing groceries when I was really desperate, and it's still bloody hard to not gamble.
But I know you can do it. But when you don't have gambling as a crutch you have to face things in life that are hard to deal with. But it's better to do it now than later. I know you can do it, because I'm doing it, so I know you can. Just a day at a time.
Deb xxx
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