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It's a frightening addiction

Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns and get some helpful tips.

Re: It's a frightening addiction

Postby pamela » Mon Aug 01, 2016 11:32 pm

Ami you are really dealing with such a lot.your boyfriend really needs to get some help ..he is obviously in over his head and is scared..He needs help and guidance ..its not too late to stop and start over again..but he needs to want to..you must be feeling all sorts of emotion too which is particularly hard for you because you are innocent in all of this..you both will benefit from counselling together and I really hope you can sort it all out
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Re: It's a frightening addiction

Postby Jerry (facilitator) » Thu Aug 11, 2016 6:25 pm

Hi Ami

It sounds like your partner might not be too motivated to quit. You have mentioned that he agrees to go to counselling but does not go. Often times it is easier for gamblers to pretend that they want help to get people to leave them alone with their gambling. Gamblers become self motivated when the consequences of their gambling start to impact on their own lives. Because of the mental distortion that tends to happen to gamblers they often start to see money differently and have a hard time noticing the impact their gambling is having on others. I know that some of this is going to be hard to hear.

He will want to change his gambling when he starts to have consequences from it.

Running out of groceries and going hungry is a consequence for gambling. If you pay for groceries when he can’t you are removing a consequence of gambling. Falling behind on a mortgage and having your house repossessed is a consequence of gambling, if you pay his share of the mortgage you are removing a consequence of gambling. Running out of petrol for your car is a consequence of gambling, if you pay for his petrol you are removing a consequence of gambling, etc, etc, etc…

So I have two questions for you.

Do you think you are removing any consequences of gambling for him?

If he does not experience any consequences of gambling, why would he be motivated to quit?

One last thing.
You have mentioned that your partner has had thoughts about suicide. Some gamblers will threaten suicide to encourage people to give them money, but sadly some are very serious about it. If he is having any suicidal thoughts it is important to get him some help. You can call the Suicide Callback service (1300 659 467), Lifeline (13 11 14) or if it is more immediate you can dial “000”.

You have some tough times ahead, but change is possible.

Be strong.
Jerry (facilitator)
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Re: It's a frightening addiction

Postby Ami » Mon Feb 20, 2017 1:44 pm

Hi everyone.
It has been 6 months since my last visit to the forum. The past few months have been hard but things were looking up
We are still together and working towards being debt free. My partner is doing so much better. Im slowly starting to see a change in him. His relapses are getting further and further apart and less devastating.
Since then i have taken control of his internet banking and paying the bills on time. The other day i had given him contol of the internet banking back. He is still bad with money
Still spends all his money but its just a bad habit he has with money that he is learning to change. With my help.
The past few days ive seen the man i fell in love with again. He hasn't been short or angry or distant. Its been good. Unfortunately ive had to take on alot to take the stress off him to avoid relapses. But he tells me this years different. We have been looking into building or renovating and doing more things for us. After xmas last year we went on our first real holiday since before he told me he was an addict two years ago.
Everything doesnt seem to be a day by day more week by week. So its slow. Very slow progress
Ami
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Re: It's a frightening addiction

Postby annnie » Tue Feb 21, 2017 9:29 am

Hi Ami,

It can be a slow process and I struggled for the first three months with lapses but the last 2-3 months are going well , you are doing so well working together and being so supportive & congrats to your partner for wanting to change and have a better life for both of you. It is a slow process , it takes time to change habits & work out why we do the things we do. The holiday would have been a wonderful time together for you both and you got there by doing the hard work together. Sounds like you are finding the person you fell in love with and you deserve that, you both do. I am just wondering how he would deal with stress if you were not able to take it on, perhaps some counselling may help him manage stress and not take on negative habits rather work on positive coping skills & strategies. Nice to hear that you are both doing well & hope you both achieve more goals as time goes by, though slow it may be , keep focused and you will get there together...

Take care
annnie
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Re: It's a frightening addiction

Postby Miette (facilitator) » Tue Feb 21, 2017 1:47 pm

Hi Ami and Annie,

Thank you both for sharing. I agree it is a slow process not an event - I wonder what it is like to recognise nice this. Naturally we often want to gravitate to a quick fix - so I think acknowledging this is a process is quite powerful!
I wonder Ami - going on from what Annie asked around the stress you are taking on - how are you going with that? It sounds like you are incredibly supportive, I am wondering what support you have yourself?

Thank you for your input, good to hear from you both!

Warm regards,
Miette.
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Re: It's a frightening addiction

Postby pamela » Tue Feb 21, 2017 9:11 pm

Hi Ami..I am really pleased you are sorting things out with your partner..It is a slow long road but well worth the walk.All the best
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Re: It's a frightening addiction

Postby blastoise (facilitator) » Wed Feb 22, 2017 4:14 pm

Hi Amy,

Nice to hear from you and thanks for letting us know how you are going. It sounds like you have taken on additional responsibilities to help your partner, but just make sure you are looking after yourself. If you feel you need some support linking in with a counsellor let us know and I will have a look. It sounds like you are starting to see some of the old husband come back, which is great!

Cheers

Blastoise
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Re: It's a frightening addiction

Postby Ami » Wed Feb 22, 2017 6:46 pm

I still have contact with my gamblers help councillor. I used to see her in person but the travel was to hard. So we would talk on the phone but life got to busy. We email occasionally but shes there for me if i need.
My boyfriend had a bad experience unfortunately with the councillor he was match with and also the financial advisor. He wont go back. Not a fan lol.
Im actually dealing with the stress better than i was a year ago. Because i can see changes in him i know its worth pushing on. Like if he is late home he would call me. He would never do that. Now its almost habit for him :) he still sucks with money but he is dealing with the stress well.
Ami
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Re: It's a frightening addiction

Postby Ami » Sat Apr 08, 2017 3:41 pm

Well im definitely eating my words from my last post.
Ive developed anxiety. Im starting to have panic attacks on occasion. Its all from not aving control. Im a control freak. Whats happened is we still struggle. And my job has cut my hours back (everyones hours infact) and the stress on earining pennies is overwhelming. So every day i would look for a 2nd job or a full time job (there are none out there) which was stressful.
Then i got a call back from a local coffee shop.
But the owner is being very quiet. Not responding to me messages and she expects me to bail on shifts at my first job to work for her. But she won't tell me if or when she wants me to work. So that sends me down. My bf is starting to see the cracks and he tries to be supportive but ive always been so strong and he doesn't understand whats happening with me.
So im not dealing with the stress at all. I saw a dr but the only optin she gave me was this guys number to talk to. Mind you he is hard to get into. So i get to deal with my anxiety daily and hope that "talking" about it helps.
Might need a second opinion.
Also i saw an email he has signed up for the lottos. Which to me is gambeling. You're still pissing money away. So that will be something i have to bring up with him soon i guess
Ami
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Re: It's a frightening addiction

Postby Jerry (facilitator) » Mon Apr 10, 2017 8:25 pm

Hi Ami,

It sounds like you are doing it tough at the moment. Your struggle with the finances, work cutting your hours and having to help your partner all seem to be causing you added stress. It is perfectly understandable that you are struggling. It is great that you have asked your doctor for some help. You said that she recommended you talk to someone so that you can talk about it? Hopefully she has referred you to a Psychologist for some therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is quite different to just "Talking". Hopefully it will help a lot.

On a more practical note it sounds like you are struggling financially. The Financial counselling hotline might be able to offer some advice or support (1800 007 007, 9-5 M-F)

I wonder if your partner realizes how much stress you are in? Maybe you could ask him for some support?

Sorry to hear you are struggling, let us know how you go.
Jerry (facilitator)
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