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When you feel like you're giving up your hopes and dreams

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When you feel like you're giving up your hopes and dreams

Postby whatnow » Thu Jan 25, 2018 11:44 pm

I don't know how to start this, just thinking about it makes me feel sick.

I recently discovered that my partner has a large amount of credit card debt from an online gambling addiction. I found out after confronting him about his odd behaviour - thinking he was cheating on me. Not the greatest alternative.

The financial impacts have us in a position where I don't think we will be able to have another child (we have a beautiful little boy), buy a house one day or go travelling.

At the moment, he has cancelled all of his gambling accounts and arranged a ban, I have all his cards and am "in charge" of the family finances foe the next few months to try and figure it out.

I know that I should be grateful that I have a beautiful son, that we have our good health, that my partner seems to be doing some things to help himself. But I just cannot shake the feeling that he has committed us both to a life of hardship, paying off his debts - and that I'll now have to miss out on all the things I was looking to in my future. The magic of pregnancy, having a sibling for our child to grow up with, a home to call our own and chart the kid's growth on the kitchen door frame.

How do you cope with the loss of something that hasn't even happened? How will I ever trust him again?
whatnow
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Re: When you feel like you're giving up your hopes and dream

Postby Jeddie » Fri Jan 26, 2018 9:03 am

Hi Whatnow, I have read your post and feel very sad for you. I am a pokie player myself so can’t offer any solution. Someone who understands will pop up over the next couple of days I am sure. Best wishes
IN GAMBLING THE MANY MUST LOSE IN ORDER THAT THE FEW MAY WIN
George Bernard Shaw
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Re: When you feel like you're giving up your hopes and dream

Postby Oregon » Mon Jan 29, 2018 1:26 pm

Hi Whatnow

I thought for a second this was my girlfriend posting. Since she is in exactly the same situation almost word for word (except my addiction wasn't online, it was on the pokies)

You've done the first step in taking control of the finances, all I can suggest now is to make sure he goes to GA meetings, even if you drive him there, and if things are dire with finances to get some financial advise.

If he is trying to help himself then he really wants to quit gambling. Don't make a fuss about things that you wanted to do because he will get upset about the money he has lost so far and try to chase his losses. (again, personal experience).

I know it seems bad now but if you can get the cash flow back to positive it's the first step. Maybe your holiday won't be 5 stars but it's the memories that will count most.

Good luck and thanks for sharing your story

Oregon on day 7 GF
Gamble free since 22.01.18
Oregon
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Re: When you feel like you're giving up your hopes and dream

Postby Dave68 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 12:26 am

I can't really offer advice from a perspective of a relationship (single although i have a GF overseas) but i can feel the pain you are suffering, if only because i know exactly what i have cost myself over my 28 years of gambling, from age 18 to 46.

As someone who has now been off the machines since April '14...the damage it caused myself only really became evident in the last couple of years of my gambling. I just continued to rack up debts with lines of credit, in 2011 i was able to get a loan from my bank to pay out two of my credit cards with the same institution. SO what did i do? I did that, kept the cards and inexorably ran them back up again, and found myself with over $70K of debts.

I think all the time about the costs now of not buying a place in the 90's at prices far below what they are now, and the what if's and stuff that may have happened had i not been in the thrall of gambling. But at least he has taken some steps to stop, and has made you aware of the issues. I think if you go along the journey of his stopping, maybe make small milestones a cause for a small celebration and perhaps ignore the pain of the big picture until maybe a new picture can take shape.

But i admit not being in a relationship, i was only hurting myself and therefore perhaps the compulsion and impact of my gambling would have done had i had a family or partner just wasn't apparent for me. It is now though, and despite now almost 46 months GF, i have only scratched the surface of what i have lost.

But the earlier one3 can stop, the quicker one can come back. Good luck, and hopefully your partner can keep away from gambling and work with you back towards common goals.
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