" "

Husband problems..

Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns and get some helpful tips.

Husband problems..

Postby Kath9 » Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:57 pm

Hi everyone. Stumbled across this site while searching for guidance. Been with my husband for 14.5 years; married for 7.5.
He has always been terrible with money and has drifted from one vocation to the next. Since early on in our relationship I have had to take the reins with finances and payments. (I have a great job and a good income). We have a 5 and 3 year old. They adore their dad.
So... this year I started to notice money going missing from my wallet. Would ask HB about this and would get flat denial.. this happened a few times and I literally thought I was going insane... then about 2 months ago I noted a $320 withdrawal from my personal account and asked if he knew about it. "No....I don't have access to your account so you'd better look elsewhere"... Should add that relationship issues have been present for some time. HB refuses to communicate and will leave a room to avoid any serious topics.
So back to the story... ths didn't sit right with me (he had previously redrawn on a joint personal loan time and time again that I was trying to pay off). One night I searched his truck and found the withdrawal from my account. I gave him another opportunity and asked if he'd remembered what the money had been spent on... full denial. I produced receipt and he accused me of snooping through his car (like it was all my fault). He did not explain.... I haven't been intimate with him for some time as felt he had not been forthcoming. His final excuse was he needed to pay his car loan. (I tend to manage his money too which pays for daycare etc). My wage has been paying for all other expenses (mortgage etc). So a couple of days ago I checked our home loan account... I had paid the larger part of our loan for the month after my pay day to help with Christmas time (money has been tight). I found 2 x $500 redraws from this offset account since start Dec.. absolutely horrified I called HB at work where he proceeded to cut me short "I'm at work and have bad reception. Can't talk to you about this now"... anyway I did some forensics on his acct last night. I feel totally stupid... cash withdrawls +++ at taverns etc... (this was post taking our home loan money)... I confronted him and told him to look me in the eyes and tell me he's not gambling. He did that... but I could tell he was lying. I asked him again this morning and he admitted to spending "a couple of times on the pokies"... I should also mention that he has anxiety and I noticed he was playing free pokies on phone eveey night which he said "took his mind off things". Feeling really stupid... I don't feel that he cares and he has seemed a shell of himself for a long time.. I dread to think how long this has gone on. I don't know where to from here. I love him but feel totally betrayed and don't trust him. I am worried he might pawn my family jewellery. I'm absolutely gutted. My little girls love him to pieces but I know I need to protect us financially ... looking for help or advice.. i couldn't get hold of counsellor on live chat. Thanks all :( ps. Stress of taking care of everything in our house has made me unwell.. very high blood pressure and awaiting results. Anticipate stress may be contributing..
Kath9
Junior Member
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:24 pm

Re: Husband problems..

Postby Mona58 » Thu Dec 14, 2017 2:38 pm

Hi Mishka

Having a gambling addiction is a terrible thing and very hard to stop. I don't think that your husband doesn't care. He is probably feeling ashamed of himself hence the denial and secrecy.

That said ... You MUST to put yourself and the children first.

Please don't feel stupid ...Read some of the posts on this website and you will find you are not alone.

l strongly advice to try and find help by ringing the Gambling Helpline on 1800 858 858.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
Mona58
Senior Member
 
Posts: 811
Joined: Sun Oct 15, 2017 11:44 am

Re: Husband problems..

Postby Kath9 » Thu Dec 14, 2017 5:19 pm

Thanks for your reply. I will :o
Kath9
Junior Member
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:24 pm

Re: Husband problems..

Postby Jasmine » Thu Dec 14, 2017 5:47 pm

Hi Mishka,
I totally can relate to your post as I used to be like your husband. I used to take $50 from my husband's wallet as I lost all money to gambling and needed money to buy food.
I used to withdraw from our offset account to feed the pokies. Then, I lied to my husband that it was for something else. He was like you...working hard to pay off the mortgage.
I don't know what to advise you because I don't live yours or your husband's life. I am sure there are more complicating things in your life I don't know. All I can guess is he would probably feel the same as me:
- feel hopeless to control myself.
- feel hopeful that I would win and put the money back to his wallet or bank account.
- feel ashamed that I hurt someone I love and someone who loves me dearly.

Please call the counsellor. I went to counselling sessions with my husband a couple of times and I believe it helped both of us to understand each other a bit better. We could see more of other underlying issues I had. In your case, it could be challenging as your husband is still in denial. It will need him to admit the problem before it can be resolved. I would find it hard to live with someone who denies the problems and don't take any responsibilities. Like Mona said you need to take care of yourself and your children first.

Take care.
Jasmine
Member
 
Posts: 73
Joined: Tue Mar 04, 2014 3:49 pm

Re: Husband problems..

Postby Mona58 » Thu Dec 14, 2017 6:35 pm

There is also Relationships Australia 1300 364 277 you could try.

Please don't give up if you feel one place doesn't suit... try another. There's lots of Charity organisations everywhere that can guide you to places and help you through your turmoil.

I wish you all the very best! Be strong!

Mona
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
Mona58
Senior Member
 
Posts: 811
Joined: Sun Oct 15, 2017 11:44 am

Re: Husband problems..

Postby Jeddie » Thu Dec 14, 2017 7:31 pm

I can’t help except to say I agree with the others. I have read your letter and wish you the best..
IN GAMBLING THE MANY MUST LOSE IN ORDER THAT THE FEW MAY WIN
George Bernard Shaw
Jeddie
Senior Member
 
Posts: 254
Joined: Sun Oct 22, 2017 7:32 am

Re: Husband problems..

Postby Kath9 » Fri Dec 15, 2017 8:20 am

Thanks everyone for the responses. I know I'm not dealing with this well at all and am probably making things worse. I tried to talk to him again this morning... found more withdrawal receipts in his truck. He got really defensive and walked out. He has basically said that "I haven't wanted to be with him for the longest time and that he will move out".. I actually have no idea how he would do this financially and I don't want to share my girls with someone in this state. I didn't get married to just give up but I feel it is a one sided battle to salvage anything.. so heartbroken.. especially for my girls.. :(
Kath9
Junior Member
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:24 pm

Re: Husband problems..

Postby Mona58 » Fri Dec 15, 2017 8:51 am

Kath...

Don't go blaming yourself... it is that the gambler has been caught and will respond in defensive and aggressive ways ... say things he may not truly mean...

There is no right or wrong way to handle things . You have every right to question him ... he now knows you know.

Hang in there as the path ahead is going to be tough BUT it CAN be fixed. To survive something like this will make your marriage stronger! All relationships have their ups and downs... there's something to gain through every transition.

Ring those numbers 1800 858 858 for gamb helpline AND 1300 364 277 for Relationships Australia to talk to some-one.... it will help to unload all those thoughts raging in your mind...

PLEASE do NOT blame yourself nor allow ''the gambler" to stand over you.

It sounds harsh and awful to say ''the gambler" :-but my meaning is that your husband is in there... and is controlled by the gamblIng addiction so he is not entirely himself ...

Mona
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
Mona58
Senior Member
 
Posts: 811
Joined: Sun Oct 15, 2017 11:44 am

Re: Husband problems..

Postby Kath9 » Fri Dec 15, 2017 1:28 pm

Thanks for your words of encouragement. It means a lot.. :D
Kath9
Junior Member
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:24 pm

Re: Husband problems..

Postby Springhope17 » Fri Dec 15, 2017 1:48 pm

Hi Kath,

You must protect yourself!
I can only relate as a gambler and if there are no consequences to our actions then we will keep doing the same things.
It sounds like he is still in denial about his problem and while he is in this stage he may keep doing the same things.
So protect your money and assets.
As a gambler I felt so many times that I was at rock bottom and things couldn't get any worse but I couldn't stop chasing my losses even tho I could see all the negatives effects! I thought so many times once all my savings were gone that things were so bad but i still managed to get myself in $80,000 debt from taking out loans and credit cards all used to put in stupid pokies - the more I lost the more desperate I became.
Him moving out might be the wake up call he needs to sort himself out!

Take care of yourself and protect yourself and your children.
Springhope17
Senior Member
 
Posts: 154
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2017 10:16 pm

Next

Return to For Family and Friends

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests