Tired

[Nay]

I am new to the site and haven't posted before.
My relationship with my partner has spanned many years, hes always had a gambling problem. He in the past has stolen my keycard, and many a pay day hasn't come home from work, unpaid bills, mortgage etc. I'm tired, I know that I have always tried to fix things and have managed our finances, and in the past given him an "allowance". This hasn't worked for ages now as he no longer will let me take care of his finances. I am starting to see that it's not just the gambling but the way he treats me he can be quite nasty then he really can turn on the charm. He has never hid his gambling and makes me feel like he's entitled to his time - a hobby as such. I can't support our family with his attitude of I'll pay it all next week. I've given him up until the end of the year to make changes and have found some reading material for him which remains untouched, he has told me he has to stop but it's so tricky to discuss our future and his addiction as he withdraws, which in turn makes me very frustrated and upset.
I find it difficult to speak with family due to the stigma that comes with gambling, so sorry for the long post! Thanks

[Jeddie]

Hi Nay, I can’t help you because I am new but just wanted to let you know that I have read your post and hope someone comments soon to help you.

[Nay]

Hi Jeddie,
Thankyou for your words, I feel a bit better just knowing someone has read my post

[alc]

Hi Nay,
I totally understand where you are coming from! My situation seems like it is spiralling out of control - although I can relate I also do not know what to do. I have just begun to take over our finances - I feel lost and confused - I can't understand why he does it and leaves his family with financial strain. There is remorse but not too long after we sort things out he is back doing it again. I can not sleep as I worry all the time about this - It truly is exhausting. Good luck on your journey - sorry I can not offer advice but I can sympathise. I really hope things turn around for you.

Tayls

[Nay]

Hi Tayls,
I also wish I could understand the reason for gambling. I know it's an addiction, like yourself i find it so hard to figure out. My partner also shows remorse after his actions and I know it's taking its toll on him emotionally but he keeps going back. I honestly believe that looking after the finances is a positive step, we were able to live that way for some time. I knew that our bills were paid so some of that uncertainty was removed. The sleepless nights is awful I totally understand how you feel. This is my first time n reaching out and I feel I should have done it sooner, thinking of you and your family. I too don't have the right words or know what is best but steps in the right direction have to be a start X

Nay

[Stressed Husband]

Hey Nay,

You are not alone, as sad and as hidden a topic as it generally is there are people everywhere dealing with the outcomes of addiction within a family unit. The addictions come in many forms from the gambling, pokies, horses or even worse substances. My own personal experience comes from a wife who is seemingly hopelessly addicted to online iPad games and pokies. I used to turn a blind eye and rationalise it with she works and earns her own money as well, but the hardest times have been when school holidays come around and we can't afford to do anything with the kids, but somehow can fund $100 a day on these poisonous things. It is HARD, yet I am beginning to understand until the is a true acceptance and desire to change you will just get lip service. There are people out there with personalities that are more predisposed than others to these crippling addictions. I for one just don't understand, at some levels because I probably don't want to, how these forms of gambling can even be legal with all the damage they do. In my case I can't see an end in sight either, but I know I must stay for the sake of my kids. The outcomes of addiction is like a cruel cheater in some ways, confront them and they will lie,then go to even greater lengths to hide it, in my experience with hidden credit cards. There comes a point where it just isn't healthy anymore for all involved. Make sure you put yourself first as the addict may have lost the rational thought process to even do that for themselves beyond funding their ongoing cycle.

People do beat this everyday, but they have to have the desire to change and conscious awareness of the impact their actions have on others. Until there is genuine remorse and admission of a problem, it is just more and more denial...

Please be safe and find 1 person you can talk to freely, that has kept me sane and grounded that the cycle you and I are exposed to is not normal and there is a life beyond it.

Best wishes
MJ

[Nay]

Hi MJ,

Its been a while since I posted this and alot has happened in this time. I've been seeing a fabulous counsellor and have started to make changes for me. I've realised that I am unable to change his behaviour and he has had a few sessions too but has 'slipped' in his behaviour.
I'm emotionally drained and have to start making some tough decisions, as hard as it is I can't see any light for us and I tried to have a bit of a chat with him but he twisted my words and made me yet again feel like I'm being unrealistic. He has become more emotionally unavailable to me, which makes me feel very frustrated and if I'm really being honest resentful too.

I too wasn't really acknowledging how bad the gambling was it is so easy to turn a blind eye as you mentioned. It's even more difficult when its online, it can be taken with you and intrudes your home.

Thanks for your words, I am fortunate enough to have one very amazing friend who accepts me with all my baggage and is always open and honest with me. But I feel like a bit of a drain for her sometimes.

[JinxyWolf]

Hi Nay,

I am on the other side of this addiction being a addict myself. I've been addicted since I was 18 and am now 35. Although I am not married with kids I understand the strain and emotional turmoil this addiction can have on our loved ones. As a non-gambler I know it's hard to understand why he is unable to control his addiction and it's something that you will never fully understand. We as gamblers struggle to understand it ourselves.

As an addict I can tell you that no amount of talking or concerned nudging can get a person, who is not ready, to see the destruction their addiction is causing. Unfortunately most gamblers have to hit rock bottom before they finally realize the true consequences of their gambling. You have to look after yourself first, protect yourself. Until your partner is ready to accept responsibility for his addiction things will not change.

But there is light at the end of this tunnel, if and when your partner decides he's finally had enough of this soul sucking addiction there are plenty of avenues of support. This forum for one, gamblers help via phone or email. I've been gamble free now for 16 months and never been happier, thanks to the beautiful people on this forum and support systems I found through this website.

I wish you all the best..Keep posting...We are here for you...

JinxyWolf