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Husband is going away

PostPosted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 12:02 am
by cate
Hi everyone,

I arrive at this website, relieved to have found a resource that can help me grasp this and also terribly sad and on the verge of tears. I thought I was alone as I feel I can't share this. My husband, who has been a wonderful and very very hard working provider, a caring father to our children(when he is not exhausted from work), has destroyed our savings, and absolutely devastated me as a person, as a result of his impulsiveness to throw it away(I know that doesn't sound politically correct here, I'm sorry). He described the impulse as a distraction from his stresses, placing the blame of those stresses on me, the build up 'of being with me stress'. Let me just say that we have a very good relationship, he loves me, but is frustrated by me.

I know with addiction that one can't really blame others but I wonder if this is really true. I can see it from having had an alcholic parent- that how could that be my fauth? But coming from a dysfunctional family myself(and him too!), I am a dedicated and hard working parent myself but not an organised one, and my- as he refers to it- unpredictability, disorganization, confusion etc, has contributed to his stress and consequently his impulse to throw it away in anger at times. . His relapses(which I think are four real times with little to not in between) has always been around a stressful time- the birth of our second child in a foreign country, the departure from that country and now the third child. I can't fathom it, because I know alcoholism, but I don't know online sports betting. I do know how one can almost kill themselves in pain, but I don't know how he can throw 70k away within a week, and previous to that 80k and more, out of anger and hurt his own children's future who he cares about so much. I feel like he must have felt trapped with me, to not be able to leave. I know I'm rambling. I'm sorry, but I just was hoping to get some insight into his brain. This is so hard to understand for me.

He worked hard to recover from those events in his own way, but now being at square one again, and him seeming more depressed he is planning to take time away to reassess himself, control his environment, self discipline and just be away from me- and family life which I'm afraid I can't help but scream is all of those adjectives but he doesn't agree.

The previous times, I didn't quite grasp it. Being an optimist, I am somewhat delusional to hoping it will resolve this, but being in such a horrible ground zero situation I am also sick with stress that my optimism has changed to a loss of faith. Can someone please explain to me what they suspect has been going on? Ii usually can grasp these psychological complex things, but this is so invisible to me. Do i leave now, let him try the stint away and impossibly convince myself that this isn't my fault? I mean, I can understand what he says there. He went down this path for a reason no?

Re: Husband is going away

PostPosted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 1:53 pm
by Jerry (facilitator)
You did not gamble away $70,000, this is not your fault. There are many other couples that have relationship difficulties and most of them find ways to deal with them without gambling. There are more cost effective ways to deal with stress (Counselling comes to mind).

I can only imagine how devastating this whole situation must be for you. Have you considered seeking some support for yourself? Gamblers Helpline is not just for gamblers, but also partners of gamblers (1800 858 858).

If you look around the forums you will find many other people with similar stories to yourself. Have a talk with a few and see what sorts of things have helped them.

You have a difficult road to walk down, but you don't have to do it alone.

Re: Husband is going away

PostPosted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 10:29 pm
by cate
Thank you Jerry, you really made an impact for me with your first sentences. I never looked it like that. I have suggested counseling in the past but it hasn't been met receptively. I'm wondering if I should ultimatum with that when he comes back.

I have thought about contacting the helpline, but I'm not sure what I'd ask or even say.. I've never gone down that route before and I feel I should be able to sort this out myself, I'm happy to ask questions on usually contact lines, but in this area I have no idea where to start!. It's such a ugly problem that you feel shame and embarrassment and its blocking my thinking., I feel trapped that I cannot share this with your close friends because it is so out of the ball park.. and yet I'm usually one to share my problems and be frank about these things.

What should I be asking or thinking about right now? Whether I want to stay or not with three young children? Should I wait and give him the chance? Am I missing something? I feel like I really am missing a lot

Re: Husband is going away

PostPosted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 3:16 pm
by Jerry (facilitator)
Hi Cate,

You have some really challenging questions to answer. Should you move out with three young children? Should you give your husband an ultimatum? Should you simply wait?

These questions all depend a lot on your individual situation, so I can't give any answers as i don't know you well enough. To work out how to answer those questions you really need to have long talk with a professional. You said you thought about calling the helpline but were not sure what to say. You can just say what you said in the first message, the counselor will know how to take it from there. They don't bite.

The one suggestion that I will make is to separate your finances. Chronic Gamblers often relapse, and if your money is together then his gambling costs you. By separating your finances you can limit the amount of damage that he can do to both you and your family.

Re: Husband is going away

PostPosted: Thu Aug 31, 2017 11:08 pm
by cate
Thank you Jerry, seriously. It's funny that by you just writing those questions back to me I realise that that's all I would need to say to the helpline people, it's terrible how confused I am feeling right now that I felt I wouldn't know what to say. I still feel hestitant(anxiety) but I will be phoning them despite this.

At this moment in time, he will be leaving in 2weeks. Inbetween relatives currently visiting(and them probably being quite aware of the family stress despite my pretense), and managing the three kids I think I'm just going to have no time to myself to call them or do anything, in a good frame of mind until he leaves. He has been particularly moody and mostly unhelpful with our kids, but ofcourse he would, considering the dire and horrible situation he has created(not forgiving him but obviously it makes me angrier the pressure on me to carry everything without family support as everyone is interstate).

We have separate finances now, a forced result of his previous episode but I admit I have given him 2k of my minuscule savings to cover his flight. If he spends it he will have to find that elsewhere but he will certainly be going. He had intended to go back to his dad's house(US), but in being vague in asking for help his dad snapped and showed his true colours(he has always been a very unreliable and unsupported father- which he knew but was desperately in denial I guess, so he's had to adjust to a less favourable destination going back to where he spent most of his time in Europe. The good news is he has roundabout told his closest brother about dire money situation(not gambling part I believe, but I think he'll probe more to find that).
In Europe we have friends there and we/I have hinted to them for a while that there have been issues so I think I will let them know in a roundabout way the hell that has occurred. It's not out of spite, as I believe he wouldn't truly mind, but it's more so they can support him and know. Before you remind me to focus on myself, I know It's probably I must say, best for my sake too, so it's out in the open and the lie can be closed.
I realise that as much as we have had intense joy and connection throughout our relationship I have been walking on egg shells for the last 6years which is the same time he has said he has felt frustrated at me. The episodes started 3years into that. I don't see that we could live together again, he is so particular and ordered where as I'm more a tough it out and follow what suits at the time person. Throw in kids and you were always going to have frustration,

Re: Husband is going away

PostPosted: Wed Sep 06, 2017 2:41 pm
by Jerry (facilitator)
How did your call with Gamblers Helpline go?