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Completely lost.. Wishing I was able to predict the future.

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Completely lost.. Wishing I was able to predict the future.

Postby ConcernedPartner17 » Fri Jul 14, 2017 10:00 pm

At a loss..

Around 18 months ago my partner discovered Sportsbet and all he believed it had to offer. It started off as $20 multibets over the weekend on the footy. He had some wins and would bet his winnings. In his words he was good at this and felt like he was making money.
Eventually this grew into $50 a week, $100 and then around $1000. The losses became bigger and the need to win it back also became greater. He was working away during this time so I was never fully aware of the extent of his gambling.
He has a history of depression and PTSD.
It was around this time that I noticed there was an obsession and a change in his mood. Everywhere we went he was on his phone checking scores and odds. He denied he was betting any more due to losing $1500 in one go.
I believed him because he was so defensive about it and made me feel like I was horrible for not trusting him.
In May this year I noticed he was very withdrawn and agitated 24/7. I asked him what was wrong and eventually asked if he was gambling. He strongly denied my questions and again became very defensive. I was working away for a weekend and he asked me to transfer him $250 to do a grocery shop for the following fortnight. He claimed he had paid the bills that were due twice by accident. When I returned home the cupboards were empty. I knew in my heart straight away he was gambling, however did not know the extent of it.

After confronting him, he blew up and took off. Eventually coming home and breaking down. It was then that he disclosed he had accessed a family members bank account, emptied the business account and also my paypal. Over $28000 in one weekend was gone. I immediately began looking into support and encouraged him to seek help. Due to the history of depression I was in contact with a crisis team. A week later he claimed everything was going ok because his meds were now stable. Again I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

This past week his behavior has again been withdrawn. I received an email from a supplier regarding an over due account, he claimed he had forgotten to pay it and would do so asap. I asked him if we needed to readdress the issue, however he was very calm and said no. Today curiosity got the better of me. I opened his email account and found that he never actually stopped using online betting platforms. I am unsure at this stage what damage has been done as we have still not recovered from the last event.

When he returned home from work he knew I had accessed he emails and began trying to put me down for breaking his trust. I was emotionally exhausted. I showed him the screenshots I had found and he still denied it. He lied and said he had booked a holiday for us, but had to cancel and lost a $1200 deposit. He refused to show me any evidence of the booking. He has since packed a bag and left. Stating he will be back over the weekend to get the rest of his belongings. I know he is safe as he is at his dad's place (who I am in contact with). However he is becoming angrier because his father and I are communicating. So will wait and see what the morning brings. We still don't know the extent of how much he has lost as of yet.

I am really at a loss as to what I do next. I do love him and would love to support him to get back to the person he was, however how do I if he refuses to admit he has a serious problem. Also I am so angry at myself for not realizing that it was leading to this. I feel like somehow I have let him down, even though rationally I know there isn't anything more I could have done.
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Re: Completely lost.. Wishing I was able to predict the futu

Postby JinxyWolf » Fri Jul 14, 2017 10:34 pm

Hi ConcernedPartner and Welcome,

I am on the other side of this rotten addiction, being a gambling addict myself.

You are right, there is nothing more you could have done, gambling is a terrible addiction and one that can eat away at a person until they are unrecognizable to the people who love them. Unfortunately there is not much you can do until he is ready to accept the fact that he has an addiction and is out of control. All you can really do is protect yourself from the consequences of his gambling both emotionally and financially.

Have you tried calling a councellor? they can help you to protect yourself and also on ways you may be able to help you partner.

Please know that you have no blame to carry in this situation, you have done all you can for him. You can only support him up to a point, but unless he his ready to get help there is not much more you can do.

I do honestly hope that your partner sees how much his gambling is effecting both his life and yours and decides to get help. This forum is a great place to start. He can share is story here without fear of judgement and it's a great place to get support from people who know exactly what he is going through. It's also a great place for yourself as well, to read the stories here, to try to understand a little better why we, as gamblers, find it sooo difficult to just walk away,

I really do wish you all the best.

JinxyWolf
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Re: Completely lost.. Wishing I was able to predict the futu

Postby AnnaB (facilitator) » Sun Jul 16, 2017 1:37 pm

Welcome on behalf of the facilitator team too. Great advice JinxyWolf....Rotten addiction is so well put. It is hard when someone you so clearly love and care about gets lost in it. Even more challenging to separate emotion from rational mind too. Talking here and perhaps face to face can help.

Counselling is a free option in most states for family and is meant to be equally for family as the person with the problem in recognition of the impact it can have on family. Just in case not sure, all you need to do is call 1800 858 858.

Stay in touch
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Re: Completely lost.. Wishing I was able to predict the futu

Postby ConcernedPartner17 » Sun Jul 16, 2017 8:59 pm

Thank you both of you!

So the past 48 hours have certainly been a rollercoaster. He refused to speak about it yesterday and I ended up going to bed early out of pure frustration.
He woke me up early this morning in tears and said he needed help. He couldn't keep doing it anymore. I went to get something out of my car and discovered my wallet missing. My car keys were not next to my bed. He had gone into my car, got my wallet and used my card. Luckily I have learnt to only keep a small amount on my card. After this he said he sat there waiting for me to wake up because he knew enough was enough. So I guess it's a semi-break through.
We had a family meeting today and have signed all of the business finances to his father. Again another win. He has filled out the self-exclusion forms, but hasn't emailed them off yet. Can I just vent my frustrations as to how hard these online betting services make it to opt out! How can it be legal. I am sooo mad at them and the government for making it so easy.
Next step is for him to make the calls and book his appointments. I would do this however I believe he needs to do this for him. I can't force him. He has started the 100 day challenge today aswell and I have encouraged him to sign up to this site. So lots of positives on his part..

For me not so much. I am exhausted and feel like I am living with a stranger. I have an appointment booked with my Dr to get plugged into a councilor to help work through some of my emotions. The financial strain now means I have to increase my hours at work, whilst studying full time and being a mum. He is obviously very down at the moment, but still hasn't asked how I am. Might sound selfish but would be nice at the same time.

Sorry if that all makes zero sense. Im a bit all over the shop at the moment.
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Re: Completely lost.. Wishing I was able to predict the futu

Postby JinxyWolf » Sun Jul 16, 2017 11:41 pm

Hi Concerned Partner,

I am soo glad that you partner has decided that he needs help and that he has taken the first steps necessary to begin to get his addiction under control. It will be a long road with many ups and downs but it'll be worth it.

Also glad to see that your are also taking steps to look after yourself as well. You are important, you deserve to be happy, this is not just about what effect your partners gambling addiction has on his life but on yours as well. Don't forget to look after yourself, you can be there for you partner, support him, but you also need support. Someone you can talk too, confide in, someone who can help you ride the rollarcoaster, hold your hand when things get tough, whether that's a councellor, close friend or family member.

I'm afraid that gambler's, even gambler's who are seeking help can be a selfish bunch. We tend to ignore the feelings of those around us, now this is not by choice or to be cruel, we are just so lost, we can't see the way out, it takes time for the fog to clear. I don't think your being selfish, you want to know that he cares about how you are doing, and I'm sure he does care, very much, but when you first decide to quit you have some many things running though your head, you feel guilty, shame, sadness, anger, you get wrapped up in it, it becomes hard to see anything else. Give him time and I'm sure he will find his way back to the man you remember.

I wish you all the best..keep posting.. We are here for you as well...

JinxyWolf
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Re: Completely lost.. Wishing I was able to predict the futu

Postby Jerry (facilitator) » Wed Jul 19, 2017 2:06 pm

Hi ConcernedPartner17,

I share your frustration about online betting accounts, they make it far to easy to sign back up. Thankfully there are programs that will block your computers access to gambling sites. Not free sadly, but i think very cost effective for what they do. There are plenty out there, if you are interested just type gambling blocking into google, or try:

https://www.gamblock.com/
or
http://www.betfilter.com/

hopefully they will help.

The other thing to think about is gambling consequences. Often gamblers will avoid the negative aspects of gambling by getting others to pay of their debts. With no consequences there is not reason to change gambling. You mentioned that you have started working more due to the financial stress, I wonder if he is working towards paying off the debts or if he is getting a free ride? If he is truly motivated then he is likely to seek out help. If he is not motivated then he is likely to pretend to seek help to avoid arguments.

What do you think he is doing?

Helping a partner to change their gambling habits is really complicated, chatting with a gambling counselor is a great way to work out how to encourage your partner.

Hopefully he has become aware of the problem and will be happy to get the help he needs. Let us know how it goes.
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