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I don't know what to do

Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns and get some helpful tips.

I don't know what to do

Postby gamblers_wife » Mon Apr 10, 2017 1:23 pm

My husband has had a gambling for as long as I have known him. He goes through cycles where he will gambling massively then stop for a period then the cycle starts again. He believes he doesn't have a problem because he doesn't hide it and all of our bills are paid.

He is very defensive and hostile when I try to speak to him about it and tries to turn it back on me. I honestly don't know what to do.

If I separate bank accounts I feel like he will become hostile and it will destroy our relationship, I don't want to leave cause I love him very much and if I do nothing the cycle will just continue.

He has his online accounts linked the credit card so the bets always go through and I can not block them through the bank.

I am so lost.
gamblers_wife
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Re: I don't know what to do

Postby Charlotte (facilitator) » Mon Apr 10, 2017 3:38 pm

Hi there,

welcome to the forum, and good on you for taking this step. This is a great space to read about other people's journeys with gambling, whether their own or that of a loved one. It sounds like it's difficult to talk to your husband about his gambling... I imagine this is upsetting and frustrating... Do you have people you can talk to about it? As well as this service there is the Gambler's Helpline, which is a 24/7 telephone support service for gamblers and those impacted by gambling. There are no 'right' or 'wrong' answers in these situations, and it's not something that can be resolved over night. The most important thing at this stage I think is that you make sure you are looking after yourself and finding ways of de-stressing.... Are there things you enjoy doing that give your thoughts some time out?

If your husband isn't interested, it might be worth seeking some counselling for yourself. the number above would be able to assist with that.

In the meantime, I hope that you find this a safe and supportive space to share your thoughts and concerns.

All the best,
Charlotte
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Re: I don't know what to do

Postby gamblers_wife » Mon Apr 10, 2017 3:51 pm

Thank you. I do have family and friends that I have spoken to but no one seems to understand. I just get empathy - and I know its nice but I need guidance not "I am sorry to hear that".

I am looking after myself. That is one think I do well.

I guess the biggest question is how do you help a gambler or get a gambler to get help when they don't think they need helping? So frustrating!!
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Re: I don't know what to do

Postby 1dayatatime » Mon Apr 10, 2017 10:07 pm

Hi gamblers wife.

I am a gambling husband....or was, 3 weeks gamble free.

I suggest asking your partner if there is something that is upsetting or hurting him?

Is there a trigger you have noticed?
Is there a family history?
Is the gambling an escape from something? (Most of us are isolating ourselves from something)
Can you get any advice from his friends?

Chip away slowly, as painful as it may be

Get some support for yourself too.

Good luck
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Re: I don't know what to do

Postby suzybeauty » Tue Apr 11, 2017 12:30 pm

Hi dear, I understand what you're going through. My dad is a pokie gambler, he's been gambling at pokie venues for the last 20 years. He also pays bills and buys lots of groceries, doesn't hide it and he knows they're bad (he's lost approx $200,000), but he doesn't want to stop & know one can take that away from him or he would become upset. My step mum hated his problem for a long time, in the end, she decided to go with him once a week, which I think it's good to spend time with my dad but sad thing is she turned into a gambler too. However, she wouldn't go if my dad doesn't go. She said she's only going because of him. She needed to set some boundaries for my dad which she didn't do. I am also a gambler at the pokies, got it from my dad's genes I believe. However, I am taking steps to stop or gain control of my spending. I stopped going during the week and only go once a week on weekend with partner, he sets spending limit for me so I don't over spend. He wouldn't go if I didn't go. I have said to him that this is what I want and he supports that with a spending limit. I hope to stop completely one day but for now I am making progress by not going during the week. My suggestion is to tell him you want a spending limit for him, give him a reason (such as you want to start saving for a holiday for you both, or new furniture, etc) and tell him he must not gamble without you, take him to places once a week where he can have his fun of gambling with a spending limit that he must not go over. (Example, mine is a spending limit of $60 once a week for pokie venues & $40 for online pokies at home so $100 per week) For me this is progress as I was spending hundreds before, everything I had. I am hoping in time I will cut this down even more, I think it's a gradual thing, and then stop or at least spend very little on it. I am taking steps, I hope your husband can too but he must see it as a problem first to do this. So I say, tell him it's effecting your savings for the things you are trying to save for (as mentioned earlier). The most important thing is to spend quality time together first. Look for a venue where there is entertainment (bands, music, eating). Dance or listen to some music together, eat, have coffee or a drink and then let him have his fun after that with a spending limit that he has to stick too. I believe he will be feeling happier knowing you are supporting him through his problem, even if he doesn't want to admit it. He will be happy that you are spending time with him and setting some boundaries. Also, if all this fails and he doesn't want to go out with you & do a spending limit, then tell him you are feeling hurt that he is doing this to you and you are going to call counselling for yourself to take steps of what to do in this situation. Hope all my information has helped. All the best to you dear & keep posting about your progress
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Re: I don't know what to do

Postby Charlotte (facilitator) » Tue Apr 11, 2017 12:58 pm

Yes, I agree with 1dayatatime. if you can find a non-threatening way of talking to your husband, that would be ideal. What you don't want is to get him on the defensive. So, sometimes starting with a conversation about what he enjoys about gambling, what he gets out of it. That can allow him to speak freely about it without feeling judged, then it is easier to gently ask questions about whether there is a downside to the gambling, and what he thinks that might be. I guess in sum this approach can help the gambler to identify the problems for themselves rather than us simply telling them how terrible it is. Perhaps from here you can talk about what changes could be made....

Hope this helps.

Charlotte
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Re: I don't know what to do

Postby gamblers_wife » Wed Apr 12, 2017 9:43 am

So I have spoken to my husband.

He is depressed and not coping with life hence the gambling but also thinks I am "overacting as we are not in a bad financial position".

He has asked for one more chance which I gave (I know I probably shouldn't) - next step is separating bank accounts (if we make it that far).

Things seem very volatile at the moment - there is something that is not right. He is not abusive or anything, its like there is no love there on his part.

Guess time will tell...
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Re: I don't know what to do

Postby 1dayatatime » Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:28 pm

Hi gamblers wife.

How has your partner progressed?

Any improvements or actions?

Be strong, change takes time
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Re: I don't know what to do

Postby blastoise (facilitator) » Thu Apr 27, 2017 8:39 am

1dayatatime wrote:Hi gamblers wife.

I am a gambling husband....or was, 3 weeks gamble free.

I suggest asking your partner if there is something that is upsetting or hurting him?

Is there a trigger you have noticed?
Is there a family history?
Is the gambling an escape from something? (Most of us are isolating ourselves from something)
Can you get any advice from his friends?

Chip away slowly, as painful as it may be

Get some support for yourself too.

Good luck


Hi 1dayatatime,

Great questions to start exploring triggers and history of gambling, and identifying supports!

Blastoise
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Re: I don't know what to do

Postby suzybeauty » Mon Jul 03, 2017 1:19 pm

Hi gamblers wife, it's my 4th month here. I just re-read my Post to you and thinking I now disagree with my idea of spending limits. You see, I had relapses during the week because of still going on weekends. My new advise for your husband is, he should visit this site, that's all there is to it. The more you come here, the more stronger you become. He doesn't have to write, I'm a bit of a writer, but I'm sure that if he just reads other stories and comments here, it will help him beat the addiction. This gambling help site has helped me enormously and the friends here have been so supportive and understanding. I'm on the road to quitting, I hope your husband can to.
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