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Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby User 586eee5282d07 » Thu Feb 02, 2017 5:46 pm

Hi bada,

You are in such an incredibly hard and stressful situation and my heart and thoughts go out to you.

The first thing i would say is make sure you and the children are physically safe from harm. Maybe some relatives or friends could help out? I think you need some sort of repreive from this; at least somewhere safe and comfortable to sleep so you can think more clearly on what your options are.

Did you try speaking with a counsellor?

One thing i do know is it is not your fault for her gambling and drinking. I sincerely doubt that a counsellor would have said that.

I wish i could offer more support bada but i think this needs professional advice rather than my amateur opinion when i am a gambler. I am sure a facilitator will respond soon with some options for you to think about.

In the meantime please stay safe. You are obviuosly a caring father and husband doing the absolute best you can in this situation.
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby annnie » Thu Feb 02, 2017 7:02 pm

Hi Bada,

Please speak to a GH counsellor on the phone and they will point you in the right direction. Sorry to hear things have not gone well for your family.
Did you manage to attend counselling with your wife or on your own ? I would think that both need to be involved to work through this together. There are going to be lapses , Some can stop straight away, some cannot , but as time goes by it is possible to cease. I have been in weekly counselling for around 5 months now and still struggle. I am determined and have found understanding as to why I gambled, put all strategies in place and dealing with PTSD along the way. It can take time, but in the meantime you and the children must be the priority and the discussions mentioned should not take place in front of the children. Your wife is fighting an addiction , fighting you and anyone else who is wanting her to stop, she has to want to and perhaps if the realisation that what she is saying is so far from reality in regards to care of children etc. she may take a step back and give it some serious thought and take the necessary steps to recover.

Whilst she is being psyched out by the machines she cannot be rational and be able to look at the situation clearly. I hope you have had a lengthy discussion with either a phone or face to face counsellor and also a relationship counsellor.

In saying the above, both parents need to look at behaviours as sometimes we neglect to see our own in certain situations. Underlying issues need to be addressed and also the chance that depression or any other mental health issue.. An immediate cease of gambling may not be possible until all is put on the table with professional help to work through the pile.
,
It is past the time for not taking things further, please seek professional help for yourself and the children, it doesn't mean it has to be over , it is supportive and the children can be cared for appropriately whilst your wife seeks help . Unless there is a reason that by placing the children in your care would not be in their best interest, there is no reason that you cannot be in the house with the children and your wife finds other suitable accommodation or a rehab program if there is one to help her and ultimately the whole family. It can be arranged that she spend quality time with the children.

Unfortunately , it would be looked at that you are not protecting the children from family violence by not taking action. In regards to relationship counselling there is opportunity to work things out if possible ( I think it's mandatory in regards to family law ) and make agreements . please don't get caught up with lawyers until absolutely necessary as that is where the fight begins and there are some that play hard and dirty. It is not pleasant for anyone and certainly not for the children whilst either party is in fight mode or pokie psyche mode.

If you would like to pm me for further insight on how having a nanny may affect the family & allow for gambling time ,please feel free to chat if it could be of help to you.

Take care & keep posting if you feel it helps you to get through this.
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby blastoise (facilitator) » Fri Feb 03, 2017 9:52 am

HI Bada,

I am sorry to hear about the difficult situation you are in, it must be very exhausting emotionally and physically trying to balance work, children and your wife's issues with gambling. It seems like no matter what you do, the issue is not resolved. I guess the concern I see is that she replaces gambling with alcohol, which we want to avoid.

I can't add much more to Annnie's advice, but I would suggest that you see a counsellor as well. You come under the banner of 'affected partners' and are eligible for Gambling Counselling. I also strongly encourage you to speak to a Relationship Counsellor, which can provide a platform for both you and your wife to discuss issues.

What I would also suggest is speaking to a lawyer/solicitor or a financial advisor. I strongly recommend this be a focus as if the relationship deteriorates further, to protect yourself and your income. Allocate some time to doing these things, if you need to take a day off or finish early then do this.

You are doing your best in a difficult situation Bada, and I hope that things improve for you. Please keep us posted and ask any questions, I am sure we will all help you where we can.

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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby annnie » Fri Feb 03, 2017 3:35 pm

Hi Bada,

I really hope we have been able to support you in some way, I came back to your post as sometimes I can go on too much and despite being a gambler with an addiction now have the clearer head to see things differently. I just read a post you wrote early Jan in response to another affected partner and copping abusive behaviour, from your reply it appears that you have been reading a good book, one that I read many years ago about verbal abuse , it was helpful to me and also made me have a good look at how I behaved and the words used during heated arguments.

Unfortunately when one is open to learning and gaining further insight it doesn't help the situation if the other person is not on or can get on the same page.

Hope you can work through this, wishing you all the best & take care.
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby Bada » Mon Feb 27, 2017 7:43 am

Thankyou to everyone here for your support, but my challenges have got harder, not easier.
I got to the point where I stepped out of my own home for fear of my own safety three weeks ago, to try and minimise the number of aggressive, emotionally abusive events that would occur in the home, in front of my children. My partner has not stopped gambling and the lies, counter accusations and game playing has only got worse.
Getting back to my own home to check on the children got harder as the days went by, with her moving in other people of bad habits, having all night drinking sessions and running smear campaigns on social media and having meetings with ill-informed but influential people to claim that I had 'abandoned & neglected the family' and left the house just to run around with a new girlfriend & similar. Complete BS. I was sleeping in the car, in my office... too fearful to stay at hotels in case she found me, and did not want to stay with friends, as she would later target anyone who she feels is supporting me. Meanwhile she is emptying my house of most things, and working her next cunning plan.

I finally took out a restraining order, and she was ordered to leave my home. She left in anger with the children. I don't know where she is, but she sends messages with either straight up threats, or in the same day will tell me that "she still loves me and will forgive me for all I have done, if only I talk to her about her 'deal'". Her deal is for control and money. Earlier, love was blind, but I now see this for what it is.

I have had to get help to locate the children and evaluate their welfare. I am fearful for my own safety here in this country, but concerned to return home until I assure the safety and future of my children. The stubborn part of me asks what right does she have to take anything else away from me. She has taken my health, my ability to provide for and protect my children, my self-esteem, my financial security, my personal security... all away.
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby pamela » Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:30 pm

I am very sorry things have gone so bad for you.I would seek legal and professional help to maintain the safety of your children.
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby annnie » Tue Feb 28, 2017 3:30 am

Hi Bada,

Sorry to hear that your situation has not improved, heartbreaking to hear of what you and your children are experiencing. It sounds like you have sought legal advice and I am sure that you have been given the necessary & correct information about your rights and those of the children. It must be so hard for you to deal with all of this and especially as this is not your home country. Take a bit of time each day just for yourself , focus on trying to relax as difficult as it is, my counsellor is always saying ' BREATHE ' a short breath in and a long breath out, do this for a couple of minutes and allow your body regain itself. You and your children's welfare are the priority and at the end of the day knowing that you have done your best will help you get through, it certainly sounds like this is what you are doing under the most difficult of circumstances.

The only deals I would make would be through the court system and those that are in the best interest of the children, I hope this country allows for you to do that. You are not to blame. Feed the children - YES. Feed the addiction - NO . Don't hide anything , say exactly what's going on to your lawyer ( you will need one for maintenance payments ) and they can fill you in on any undertakings that need to be in place for the benefit of the children.

Nobody has the right to take all away from you, I hope others are able to see the truth and support you.


Wishing you all the best, take care....
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby malvina » Tue Feb 28, 2017 9:41 am

I feel you have no option but to get your kids with family and get her taken in care if you leave her in the house she will take everything out of it for the pokies
I don't think you have any choice here at all I think the kids could be in danger
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby malvina » Tue Feb 28, 2017 2:15 pm

Further to my last post I think your situation is serious especially as far as the children are concerned. If you move off with them she will sell all you have I see just one thing you can do - that is get a restraining order. If you tell it like it is you will get one and it might be enough to shake your wife into reality because I fear that nothing else is going to do it
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby Noah (facilitator) » Tue Feb 28, 2017 3:55 pm

annnie wrote:Hi Bada,

Sorry to hear that your situation has not improved, heartbreaking to hear of what you and your children are experiencing. It sounds like you have sought legal advice and I am sure that you have been given the necessary & correct information about your rights and those of the children. It must be so hard for you to deal with all of this and especially as this is not your home country. Take a bit of time each day just for yourself , focus on trying to relax as difficult as it is, my counsellor is always saying ' BREATHE ' a short breath in and a long breath out, do this for a couple of minutes and allow your body regain itself. You and your children's welfare are the priority and at the end of the day knowing that you have done your best will help you get through, it certainly sounds like this is what you are doing under the most difficult of circumstances.

The only deals I would make would be through the court system and those that are in the best interest of the children, I hope this country allows for you to do that. You are not to blame. Feed the children - YES. Feed the addiction - NO . Don't hide anything , say exactly what's going on to your lawyer ( you will need one for maintenance payments ) and they can fill you in on any undertakings that need to be in place for the benefit of the children.

Nobody has the right to take all away from you, I hope others are able to see the truth and support you.


Wishing you all the best, take care....


Hi Bada,
Life sounds incredibly stressful at the moment. Are you aware that you can get free counselling through Gamblers Help as a significant other who is affected by someone elses gambling. The counsellor can address other issues too (not just the gambling). You can call 1800 858 858 to find out more about how you can make an appointment to see a counsellor.
I hope that you have taken steps so that you and the children have the best possibility of remaining safe through this most stressful time.
Take care,
Noah
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